Musing; They Also Hurt
He beat his wife and landed her in the ER. He stabbed his wife. The other man maimed his wife for life.
None of us is strange to stories like this. All over the world, intimate partner violence/domestic violence and abuse is a known phenomenon. Someone reading this is affected, primarily or secondarily.
Now, I have zero tolerance for domestic violence or gender based violence, but, last week, while on a trip, I listened to a message and that birth this post. Have we ever paused to think these men who we all tout as monsters today are human, just like you and I? Some of them have sisters they love dearly, yet, they batter someone else's sister and daughter. Have you paused to ask how they turned out that way?
I'm not a man, but I have brothers and really close male friends and I know that being a man is not easy. Usually, we consider the many facets of a woman's life - menstruation, pregnancy, childbearing, raising kids, career, being a wife . . . the list goes on. We all know those things.
Men also have their challenges. They're expected to be good sons, friends, boyfriends, great lovers, greater husbands, best fathers, be on top of their jobs and careers, be the head, lead, be tough and tender at the same time. Sometimes, they're lost, confused on these role switches. They need someone to talk to also, they need to unwind and be vulnerable with someone. Who will that person be? The mother that expects her son to be everything she dreamed of? Who doesn't see him as someone, an individual with personal needs of his own? The girlfriend/fiancee/lover who expects him to be her hero, her defence, her Mr Perfect? The wife who sees him as the cover, the pillar, the stable and solid platform that carries her and the children? His friends/colleagues who really do not care about his struggles, who just want a good hang out buddy? His father? His father he probably didn't know or who was a bum?
Where exactly does he turn to? The image of a man is cut out for him, right from the time he's born. As a toddler, his toys are very different from that of the girl child. He is told to be strong, not to cry. He is slowly being prepared to be emotionless, to shut in and shut off. So, when he has needs, like a normal human, he can't deal with it like a normal human that he should be.
Everyone is responsible for their actions, I admit that. But, where we have not sown, let's not expect to reap there. There's a lot of pressure our men carry. There's a lot of battle they fight, physical and spiritual. Some of them do not even know who they are. They're being everything to everyone that they no longer know who they are, they have no identity. They belong to everyone, but actually belong to no one.
My heart melted. I mentally ran the images of my brothers and male friends in my head and I felt differently about them. Let's leave the issue of violence aside for now. If mothers will raise their sons to be real men, men who are not afraid to be who they were made to be, if women, as lovers and wives will stand by their men and affirm them, maybe, just maybe we will have a change. We've been doing things the same way all the while and getting the same results. Can we switch it up a little?
Can we pay some attention to our men? Can we give them a breather? Can we allow them be the fullness of who they were made to be? It's not about making babies of them. It's not about excusing their excesses. It's about giving them some room to exhale. Can we appreciate them more? Pay attention to the little details of things they do while complaining less or not at all about the things they haven't done? Affirm. Can we affirm them?
I'm talking to my sisters here. That man you think is irredeemable could just need a little love, a little more understanding and less of nags and complaints. Even if we won't do this for us, can we try it for our daughters and raise men we will be confident to give our princesses to?
None of us is strange to stories like this. All over the world, intimate partner violence/domestic violence and abuse is a known phenomenon. Someone reading this is affected, primarily or secondarily.
Now, I have zero tolerance for domestic violence or gender based violence, but, last week, while on a trip, I listened to a message and that birth this post. Have we ever paused to think these men who we all tout as monsters today are human, just like you and I? Some of them have sisters they love dearly, yet, they batter someone else's sister and daughter. Have you paused to ask how they turned out that way?
I'm not a man, but I have brothers and really close male friends and I know that being a man is not easy. Usually, we consider the many facets of a woman's life - menstruation, pregnancy, childbearing, raising kids, career, being a wife . . . the list goes on. We all know those things.
Men also have their challenges. They're expected to be good sons, friends, boyfriends, great lovers, greater husbands, best fathers, be on top of their jobs and careers, be the head, lead, be tough and tender at the same time. Sometimes, they're lost, confused on these role switches. They need someone to talk to also, they need to unwind and be vulnerable with someone. Who will that person be? The mother that expects her son to be everything she dreamed of? Who doesn't see him as someone, an individual with personal needs of his own? The girlfriend/fiancee/lover who expects him to be her hero, her defence, her Mr Perfect? The wife who sees him as the cover, the pillar, the stable and solid platform that carries her and the children? His friends/colleagues who really do not care about his struggles, who just want a good hang out buddy? His father? His father he probably didn't know or who was a bum?
Where exactly does he turn to? The image of a man is cut out for him, right from the time he's born. As a toddler, his toys are very different from that of the girl child. He is told to be strong, not to cry. He is slowly being prepared to be emotionless, to shut in and shut off. So, when he has needs, like a normal human, he can't deal with it like a normal human that he should be.
Everyone is responsible for their actions, I admit that. But, where we have not sown, let's not expect to reap there. There's a lot of pressure our men carry. There's a lot of battle they fight, physical and spiritual. Some of them do not even know who they are. They're being everything to everyone that they no longer know who they are, they have no identity. They belong to everyone, but actually belong to no one.
My heart melted. I mentally ran the images of my brothers and male friends in my head and I felt differently about them. Let's leave the issue of violence aside for now. If mothers will raise their sons to be real men, men who are not afraid to be who they were made to be, if women, as lovers and wives will stand by their men and affirm them, maybe, just maybe we will have a change. We've been doing things the same way all the while and getting the same results. Can we switch it up a little?
Can we pay some attention to our men? Can we give them a breather? Can we allow them be the fullness of who they were made to be? It's not about making babies of them. It's not about excusing their excesses. It's about giving them some room to exhale. Can we appreciate them more? Pay attention to the little details of things they do while complaining less or not at all about the things they haven't done? Affirm. Can we affirm them?
I'm talking to my sisters here. That man you think is irredeemable could just need a little love, a little more understanding and less of nags and complaints. Even if we won't do this for us, can we try it for our daughters and raise men we will be confident to give our princesses to?
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