Help! My Teenager Is Pregnant

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"This girl has killed me! My enemies have finally gotten to me! Ah! What did I do wrong? . . ."

The tranquility of the cool evening was pierced with the single voice heard from Mrs Prince's apartment. This was strange as every family and individual in Circular Estate went about their business in a prim and proper fashion. An outburst of this nature was alien to them. The questions on many minds were endless. Closely following the lament was a scream and loud sobbing. The voice was that of her daughter, Crystal. One of the neighbours, Mummy James, couldn't take it any longer. She knocked on Mrs Prince's door.

Mummy James didn't expect what she heard when she asked Mrs Prince what the matter was.

"My sister, this girl has killed me! She's pregnant! She just turned 15 and she's pregnant!" The last word was said with a slap dealt to Crystal's face. Her palm flew to her cheek as she crouched in a corner.

"Mummy Crystal, please, let me take her with me to my house. We'll be back in about an hour."

"Take her. Take her o. Infact, if you don't take her, I might kill her with my bare hands. Just take her away." Mrs Prince burst into a fresh round of tears.

What do you do if your teenager falls pregnant? What do you do if your teenager impregnates a girl/woman? Let's go on this ride together.

If you're a Nigerian parent, a Nigerian mother specifically, I can almost say for certain what thoughts crossed your mind when you saw this topic. I can almost speak the words you must have spoken, seeing it. Let's carefully, with an unbiased mind, take this walk together.

What are likely reasons for teen pregnancy?

1. Lack of (adequate) love at home.

2. Lack of (adequate) attention at home.

3. Low (or, no) self esteem.

4. Reaction to family crisis like separation, divorce, death, violence, etc

5. Curiosity.

6. Peer pressure.

7. Rape.

8. Wars and internal uprising in countries.

There are families where the parents are ceremonial. The kids know their parents names, and that's about all. They are raised by every other person except their parents. Do you know there's an amount of safe physical touch a child needs to grow up emotionally balanced? In typical African homes, parents don't hug their children. Infact, the only form of physical contact is to beat them with bare hands. Parents, how much of hugging and holding hands do you do with your children? I won't derail this with the argument of some parents molesting their children. That's topic for some other time.

The desire for physical touch is inherent in every human being and is part of what makes up our emotional health. A child that grows up in a home where this is a deficit, will look for it outside the home. Teenage hormones rage. If, perchance, such a child, male or female, has a hand brush with another person, the "electricity" that shoots through them leaves them desiring more. I need not tell you where this could lead. If they're hugged by another child/teenager or an older person, the surge of oxytocin and dopamine, which are 'feel good' hormones, leave them with further craving. Are you catching my drift?

Don't leave your child to be told how awesome they are by a stranger/outsider. Affirm them. Tell them they're beautiful. Tell them you love them, ALL THE TIME. Tell them how proud you are of them. When they do something wrong, put emphasis on the act, not the child. Discipline in love.

So, your teenager is pregnant. What should you do?

1. CALM DOWN. I know a flurry of emotions will hit you. You need to put those emotions in check to have a clear head to handle the situation. It's not the time to become hysterical and launch into a tirade. It's not the time for name calling and abuses. You really need to be calm.

2. TALK WITH YOUR TEENAGER. In a non judgemental tone, talk WITH, not to, your teenager. Ask them how it happened. Ask what they plan to do. In most cases, they either have no plan or have made up their minds to run away or seek (unsafe) abortion. Put in mind that their friends probably knew before you and might have offered unsafe advice. If you're not in a frame of mind to counsel your teenager at that time, invite a professional counsellor, not someone with emotional stake in the matter. This is the time to find out who is responsible, contact them and know what plans they have for your child and the pregnancy. If the person responsible is another teenager, you need to have mature talk with the parents, not start throwing tantrums. If it's an older adult, they should be responsible for medicals, and upkeep. DO NOT make the mistake of pushing your child out to go live with the parents of the teenager or the adult responsible for the pregnancy.

3. DO NOT ANNOUNCE IT. Mrs Prince had alerted everyone within earshot that something was wrong. In no time, the whole estate will be in the know of what happened. You need to be a safe place for your teenager.

4. DO NOT PASS THE BULK. It's not the time to blame your spouse, available or not, for the pregnancy. It's not the time to say "If only your father had not left us . . .", "Death has dealt me a rough hand . . .", "You're your mother's replica . . ." It's not the time to call the child names. Don't further puncture their self esteem.

5. REGISTER FOR MEDICALS. As soon as you find out, register your teenager for ante-natal care. If possible, register in a medical facility that offers teen friendly services.