#IWIllMarryWhenIMarry SERIES 2

"Why did you get married?" I asked him.
After a brief pause, he sighed and said "it felt like the right thing to do".

"The right thing, according to who?" I asked again.

"Well, most of my friends were already married and the number of those I could hang out with had reduced. If most of my friends were married, it just meant that's the time in our lives we're at. It was the right thing to do at that time."

Slowly, I nodded my head. A thousand thoughts running through it. 

"I guess most of your friends are separated now right?"

"How do you mean?" He had a confused look on his face.


"You've been separated from your wife for 10 months. Seeing as you and your friends kinda do things as your defined time dictates, I'm guessing most of them are also separated now".

"Are you mocking me?" He was visibly angry. "If you had nothing encouraging to say to me, why didn't you just say so?"

"I'm so sorry, the intention was not to mock you. I appreciate you talking to me. But, you see, I look at things objectively. I don't take gender sides, I don't take friendship sides, I don't even take blood-ties sides. If the purpose of a thing is not known, definitely, it will be underutilized, discarded and/or abused. I wanted us to take the issues you're facing right now from the root." 

He seemed to calm down. In all honesty, I didn't mean to mock him. But for someone with his state of mind, I agree I should have been more cautious. I asked the next question. "Do you still love your wife?"

Sighing deeply, he crossed and uncrossed his arms over his chest and shifted in his chair. 

"I don't know. I don't know if I ever loved her even".

Ah! I got more curious. "So, why did you get married to her?"

"She's the daughter of my mom's longtime friend. We grew up around each other. I have practically known her my entire life. I guess the proximity and the fact that our families have always known each other . . ." He trailed off. Staring ahead at something I did not know.

"How is that relationship now? I mean the relationship between both parents?"

"Well, they seem to still be getting along quite well. If they disagree, they don't show it", he shrugged as he said this.

"Okay. What do you want now? What do you want FROM your relationship? What do you want FOR your relationship?"

"Honestly, I don't know".

"That, my friend, is a big challenge".

This is a conversation I had with a friend. The times I have had to be a listening ear to some people on their marriages, I have heard a number of things, ranging from pathetic to gobsmacking. Professionally, I was not trained to give advice. I offer suggestions and lead intervention moves as appropriate. So, I'm quick to say I don't give marriage advice. 

In this case, I feel for the man and woman in this relationship. Proximity, expectations, some subtle form of pressure and immaturity have landed two individuals in a state of sadness, cluelessness and pain. They've been married for 3 years, 10 months of which, they haven't lived under the same roof, seen nor spoken to each other. They can't even decide if they want the relationship to continue. They disagree on fundamental issues. While the guy wants to have just one child; a girl, the lady wants twin boys and a girl. The guy wants to live in Nigeria and establish his career on home soil, the lady has always dreamt about living in Canada. She's been there for the past 6 months. These are some of the fundamental issues they have. Issues they never thought to discuss before they got married.

While discussing this series with a friend, he was of the opinion that anyone who has passed through the university should be able to stand on their own and make decisions about their lives independently. I agree with him to some degree. But, I also know that some people get their sense of worth, appreciation and fulfilment from external validation. They need someone else to tell them the cloth they're wearing fits well, they need someone to validate their choice of house or car. Some need their friends' and/or family's consent on the person they intend to get married to.

How do we strike a balance? How do we help those who need that extra validation to make a choice, without being intrusive, without actually influencing their choice? Is it fully an individual decision, sink or swim? Does pressure from certain quarters help them or keeps them on a perpetual emotional crutch? 

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