Musing; Delete. Reset.
For a very long time, this idea has been playing on my mind. I push it away but it keeps coming back, so I decided to attend to its insistent prodding.
Parenting is not an easy task. Any one who is a parent would admit that. No, let me rephrase that, GOOD PARENTING is not easy. A bad parent can close their eyes to many things while the children turn out in whatever way. However, have we paused to consider parenting from a child's point of view? Can parents learn a thing or two from their kids on how to properly parent them?
I have heard it said so many times that the children being raised 'these days' are completely different from children raised some years back. Pause. Children raised 25-40 years ago are the parents of today. Are they carrying on the ideals of their own parents? Have they updated them?
Working with young people, I have gotten to hear quite a number of stories, some, tugging at one's heart strings. Quite a number of young people have been lost to wiles and corrupt devices. Some of them did not intend to become concerns to their parents, but somewhere along the line, their parents lost them.
As much as I'm not one for permissive parenting, authoritarian parenting is another extreme I don't subscribe to. Parents, what do you need to know?
1. Your child is an individual. If you have twenty children, no two of them are exactly the same. They are individually unique and should be treated likewise. There are general rules, but, have you taken time out to really know each of your children? Do you know their peculiarities? Their gifts? Interests? Or, are you always shutting your more vocal child up, urging them to be like their quieter sibling? Help them develop their gifts and talents.
2. I have heard parents say, a number of times, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it". The burden you place on that child because you're their parent is far too much for them to carry. You brought them into the world, yes, but so could the next set of parents have brought them. They do not owe you their life, what they owe you is honour. Now, don't make that honour difficult for them to give. I have had to talk a number of young people out of reacting negatively or violently against their parents. Ordinarily, they didn't want to get to such positions, but mummy or/and daddy pushed them there. Please parents, understand that having that child in your life is a privilege, not a weight to be placed on them to have them do your bidding.
3. Allow your child express themselves. Whenever I hear parents refer to their kids as their 'mini-me', it doesn't sit comfortably. They aren't mini, neither are they you. Understand that your children will have likes different from yours, interests far from yours, and with the change in times, they may never agree with you on certain things. Understand and simply direct them in the right direction, not impose on them. I know of a young woman who could not wait to get married so she could pierce her ears. She lived in the shadow of her parents for so long, they were averse to the use of jewelry, but she wasn't. Don't expect your children to dress like you, talk like you, like the kinds of food you like, the list goes on. Allow them develop into who they were made to be, your role is to guide.
4. Give them their privacy. It gets to a point your child needs their privacy, give them. They may live in your house, they have a room in your house, yes, but, respect their space. It won't hurt to knock and wait for an answer before you enter their room. That does not make you less of a parent. And for parents that snoop, if you have brought up your kids well, you should rest, trusting them to do the right thing. Barging into their rooms, expecting to catch them at something they shouldn't be doing, will simply drive them away from you.
5. Trust your kids. When your children know you trust them, betraying that trust becomes difficult for them. Even in the face of really challenging situations, they will have a hard time betraying the trust you have put in them. However, constantly doubting and second guessing them just puts them on a freefall to do what you consistently falsely accuse them of. Trust your kids and give yourself rest.
6. Be their friend. Believe it or not, many children want their parents to be their bff. Why? Because you're their first contact with the world. They knew you first and really depend on your opinion, holding on tightly to everything you say. This is why children often told negative things by their parents usually turn out wrong, there are exceptions, definitely. But when you tell your child they can't do something, they believe you. Befriend your child, this does not have age limit, you're the safest net they can have.
Now, back to the title of this post. What is being deleted? What is being reset? There are too many wounded adults out there. They are carrying wounds from their childhood from what their parents did or didn't do. They are bitter, without even realising it. Some have some parts of their life deadened because their only defence against what they went through as children was to consciously shut down those areas of their lives.
This is for you. Unlearn those negative emotions and responses and relearn new ones. Scan through your life, folder by folder, and delete those areas that bring you pain. Go to your recycle bin and completely remove the trail of these issues. Now, reset. You may need to learn new skills to handle the new you. Communication skills, social skills, dining skills, whatever applies to you. You were practically helpless against the way you were raised, but you should not stay in that state. Pick your life up again and reset it. Prove that the shoot of a beautiful rose can push through a heap of garbage to bloom.
Parenting is not an easy task. Any one who is a parent would admit that. No, let me rephrase that, GOOD PARENTING is not easy. A bad parent can close their eyes to many things while the children turn out in whatever way. However, have we paused to consider parenting from a child's point of view? Can parents learn a thing or two from their kids on how to properly parent them?
I have heard it said so many times that the children being raised 'these days' are completely different from children raised some years back. Pause. Children raised 25-40 years ago are the parents of today. Are they carrying on the ideals of their own parents? Have they updated them?
Working with young people, I have gotten to hear quite a number of stories, some, tugging at one's heart strings. Quite a number of young people have been lost to wiles and corrupt devices. Some of them did not intend to become concerns to their parents, but somewhere along the line, their parents lost them.
As much as I'm not one for permissive parenting, authoritarian parenting is another extreme I don't subscribe to. Parents, what do you need to know?
1. Your child is an individual. If you have twenty children, no two of them are exactly the same. They are individually unique and should be treated likewise. There are general rules, but, have you taken time out to really know each of your children? Do you know their peculiarities? Their gifts? Interests? Or, are you always shutting your more vocal child up, urging them to be like their quieter sibling? Help them develop their gifts and talents.
2. I have heard parents say, a number of times, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it". The burden you place on that child because you're their parent is far too much for them to carry. You brought them into the world, yes, but so could the next set of parents have brought them. They do not owe you their life, what they owe you is honour. Now, don't make that honour difficult for them to give. I have had to talk a number of young people out of reacting negatively or violently against their parents. Ordinarily, they didn't want to get to such positions, but mummy or/and daddy pushed them there. Please parents, understand that having that child in your life is a privilege, not a weight to be placed on them to have them do your bidding.
3. Allow your child express themselves. Whenever I hear parents refer to their kids as their 'mini-me', it doesn't sit comfortably. They aren't mini, neither are they you. Understand that your children will have likes different from yours, interests far from yours, and with the change in times, they may never agree with you on certain things. Understand and simply direct them in the right direction, not impose on them. I know of a young woman who could not wait to get married so she could pierce her ears. She lived in the shadow of her parents for so long, they were averse to the use of jewelry, but she wasn't. Don't expect your children to dress like you, talk like you, like the kinds of food you like, the list goes on. Allow them develop into who they were made to be, your role is to guide.
4. Give them their privacy. It gets to a point your child needs their privacy, give them. They may live in your house, they have a room in your house, yes, but, respect their space. It won't hurt to knock and wait for an answer before you enter their room. That does not make you less of a parent. And for parents that snoop, if you have brought up your kids well, you should rest, trusting them to do the right thing. Barging into their rooms, expecting to catch them at something they shouldn't be doing, will simply drive them away from you.
5. Trust your kids. When your children know you trust them, betraying that trust becomes difficult for them. Even in the face of really challenging situations, they will have a hard time betraying the trust you have put in them. However, constantly doubting and second guessing them just puts them on a freefall to do what you consistently falsely accuse them of. Trust your kids and give yourself rest.
6. Be their friend. Believe it or not, many children want their parents to be their bff. Why? Because you're their first contact with the world. They knew you first and really depend on your opinion, holding on tightly to everything you say. This is why children often told negative things by their parents usually turn out wrong, there are exceptions, definitely. But when you tell your child they can't do something, they believe you. Befriend your child, this does not have age limit, you're the safest net they can have.
Now, back to the title of this post. What is being deleted? What is being reset? There are too many wounded adults out there. They are carrying wounds from their childhood from what their parents did or didn't do. They are bitter, without even realising it. Some have some parts of their life deadened because their only defence against what they went through as children was to consciously shut down those areas of their lives.
This is for you. Unlearn those negative emotions and responses and relearn new ones. Scan through your life, folder by folder, and delete those areas that bring you pain. Go to your recycle bin and completely remove the trail of these issues. Now, reset. You may need to learn new skills to handle the new you. Communication skills, social skills, dining skills, whatever applies to you. You were practically helpless against the way you were raised, but you should not stay in that state. Pick your life up again and reset it. Prove that the shoot of a beautiful rose can push through a heap of garbage to bloom.
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