GAY MARRIAGE vs FAILURE TO LAUNCH by Oluwole Leigh
JOURNALIST: Sir, may we meet you?
BISHOP: I need no introduction. I am the One and only General Co-coordinator of Elshaddai Shall Not Die Ministries Worldwide.
JOURNALIST: Sir, why are you here in this country?
BISHOP: After the success of my recent inaugural service in Ibadan which I tagged "DORO Worship", the spirit told me to extend my frontiers to other continents. Thus I am on the 2nd leg of a special program tagged "THREE CONTINENTS, TWO TESTICLES, ONE MAN". The miracles that are happening in my ministry are too much to be confined to one continent. I have to take the gospel to the ends of the earth.
JOURNALIST: Bishop, now that you are in the USA, Can you tell us your feelings about America and Gay Marriage?
BISHOP: I have no problems with it.
JOURNALIST: Blood of Jesus. Sir, with all due respect, have you lost your mind?
BISHOP: No I haven't but I have no issues with anything their supreme court says. You see the issue here is: I come from a Nation with no electricity, no potable water, low life expectancy, high infant mortality rates and illiteracy. Why would I leave my problems and begin to help an advanced nation analyze their own issues. Am I mad? Buhari has not appointed ministers after 6 weeks and you expect me to be analyzing gay marriage? Se won sa si e ni? (Have you been bewitched?)
JOURNALIST: Bishop, but America is a Christian nation that was established on Godly principles.
BISHOP: Listen to yourself, young man. There is no Godly nation or Christian nation on the surface of this earth. All these stories of "God Blessing America because of association with God and Israel" are childhood tales. Every nation on the surface of the earth seeks to advance its own interest. God did not tell America to come and carry generations of my forefathers and use their labor to build its own future. God did not tell America to help overthrow/ enthrone Governments at will in territories far beyond its reach. It is when my fellow ministers want to collect your little money that they start concocting stories of God and America.
JOURNALIST: But Sir, what of Israel?
BISHOP: Young man, If you like, fly 100 flags of Israel in your office, car or church, you are wasting your time. Israel and America have adapted Science and Technology for their use. The laws of Physics and Chemistry which they use for their own benefit are available to us too. Israel sends soldiers and not rabbis to war. Israel fires rockets and not bottles of anointing Oil.
JOURNALIST: Sir, I am very confused and disappointed at your response.
BISHOP: Of course, you will be disappointed. Your coconut head will not allow you to make progress. Eyin Alainironu ara Galatia. Ke ma tojuboleonile la ma ri yin si (Feeble minded busy bodies. You keep making what does not concern you your business). So if you say America developed because of Christianity, who is helping China to develop - Obatala????
JOURNALIST: But, is this not how God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah?
BISHOP: No problem, Please ensure that you write to the American Ambassador to Nigeria and express your grievances to him. Tell him that he should cancel your visa so that you don't get consumed by fire from Heaven. In case you don’t have visa, make sure you boycott America. Focus on your own issues and leave others to handle their own.
JOURNALIST: Sir, you keep talking about our own problems, If I may ask what is the greatest problem facing Nigeria right now?
BISHOP: Thank you and God bless you for that my son, wa dagba, wa darugbo (may you live to a full ripe age). The 2 major problems facing Nigerians are Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculation.
JOURNALIST: Blood of Jesus!
BISHOP: Yes, you people are hypocrites. About 50% of the men in my ministry are suffering from "failure to launch". The other 50% are battling with "Early Combustion after the launch stage". Nigeria will never become a great country if our men do not solve their mechanical problems. Every day, I am inundated with messages from female members of my ministry pleading with me to help them bring these issues to light. These are the issues we should be addressing.
JOURNALIST: Sir, what is the way forward?
BISHOP: This is what you should have asked lataaro (since). As a Nigerian, the first thing that should come to your mind whenever something happens is - How do I make the most of this situation? As we speak, some Naija men are already marching hand-in-hand to the embassy in order to ask for asylum. They will claim their lives are in danger due to levels of homophobia in Nigeria. As a man of God, I do not support lies. However since Wisdom is profitable to direct, I will tell you what to do. Go and form an NGO. There is no more money in HIV/AIDs and Tuberculosis while Ebola is almost eradicated. The next frontier is Gay rights. This is where America is pumping money worldwide. Let's call it Society for the Support of Gay people in Nigeria (SOSGIN). All you need to do is organize a few protests, carry a few placards and American Government will start donating millions to you. Call your guys together, wrap bandage around their heads and put tomato ketchup. You will record videos where they will claim they were assaulted. America will send you another million dollars to build a safe house for SOSGIN. Now remember, that 10% of the proceeds must be remitted to my ministry so that the devourer will be rebuked for your sake.
JOURNALIST: Alihmaduliliahi! Bishop may God continue to enlarge your coast. May the Oil on your head never run dry. God will place you at the gate of your enemies. It is your enemies that will experience "failure to launch". Even if your haters manage to launch, they will not last.
JOURNALIST: Sir, why are you here in this country?
BISHOP: After the success of my recent inaugural service in Ibadan which I tagged "DORO Worship", the spirit told me to extend my frontiers to other continents. Thus I am on the 2nd leg of a special program tagged "THREE CONTINENTS, TWO TESTICLES, ONE MAN". The miracles that are happening in my ministry are too much to be confined to one continent. I have to take the gospel to the ends of the earth.
JOURNALIST: Bishop, now that you are in the USA, Can you tell us your feelings about America and Gay Marriage?
BISHOP: I have no problems with it.
JOURNALIST: Blood of Jesus. Sir, with all due respect, have you lost your mind?
BISHOP: No I haven't but I have no issues with anything their supreme court says. You see the issue here is: I come from a Nation with no electricity, no potable water, low life expectancy, high infant mortality rates and illiteracy. Why would I leave my problems and begin to help an advanced nation analyze their own issues. Am I mad? Buhari has not appointed ministers after 6 weeks and you expect me to be analyzing gay marriage? Se won sa si e ni? (Have you been bewitched?)
JOURNALIST: Bishop, but America is a Christian nation that was established on Godly principles.
BISHOP: Listen to yourself, young man. There is no Godly nation or Christian nation on the surface of this earth. All these stories of "God Blessing America because of association with God and Israel" are childhood tales. Every nation on the surface of the earth seeks to advance its own interest. God did not tell America to come and carry generations of my forefathers and use their labor to build its own future. God did not tell America to help overthrow/ enthrone Governments at will in territories far beyond its reach. It is when my fellow ministers want to collect your little money that they start concocting stories of God and America.
JOURNALIST: But Sir, what of Israel?
BISHOP: Young man, If you like, fly 100 flags of Israel in your office, car or church, you are wasting your time. Israel and America have adapted Science and Technology for their use. The laws of Physics and Chemistry which they use for their own benefit are available to us too. Israel sends soldiers and not rabbis to war. Israel fires rockets and not bottles of anointing Oil.
JOURNALIST: Sir, I am very confused and disappointed at your response.
BISHOP: Of course, you will be disappointed. Your coconut head will not allow you to make progress. Eyin Alainironu ara Galatia. Ke ma tojuboleonile la ma ri yin si (Feeble minded busy bodies. You keep making what does not concern you your business). So if you say America developed because of Christianity, who is helping China to develop - Obatala????
JOURNALIST: But, is this not how God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah?
BISHOP: No problem, Please ensure that you write to the American Ambassador to Nigeria and express your grievances to him. Tell him that he should cancel your visa so that you don't get consumed by fire from Heaven. In case you don’t have visa, make sure you boycott America. Focus on your own issues and leave others to handle their own.
JOURNALIST: Sir, you keep talking about our own problems, If I may ask what is the greatest problem facing Nigeria right now?
BISHOP: Thank you and God bless you for that my son, wa dagba, wa darugbo (may you live to a full ripe age). The 2 major problems facing Nigerians are Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculation.
JOURNALIST: Blood of Jesus!
BISHOP: Yes, you people are hypocrites. About 50% of the men in my ministry are suffering from "failure to launch". The other 50% are battling with "Early Combustion after the launch stage". Nigeria will never become a great country if our men do not solve their mechanical problems. Every day, I am inundated with messages from female members of my ministry pleading with me to help them bring these issues to light. These are the issues we should be addressing.
JOURNALIST: Sir, what is the way forward?
BISHOP: This is what you should have asked lataaro (since). As a Nigerian, the first thing that should come to your mind whenever something happens is - How do I make the most of this situation? As we speak, some Naija men are already marching hand-in-hand to the embassy in order to ask for asylum. They will claim their lives are in danger due to levels of homophobia in Nigeria. As a man of God, I do not support lies. However since Wisdom is profitable to direct, I will tell you what to do. Go and form an NGO. There is no more money in HIV/AIDs and Tuberculosis while Ebola is almost eradicated. The next frontier is Gay rights. This is where America is pumping money worldwide. Let's call it Society for the Support of Gay people in Nigeria (SOSGIN). All you need to do is organize a few protests, carry a few placards and American Government will start donating millions to you. Call your guys together, wrap bandage around their heads and put tomato ketchup. You will record videos where they will claim they were assaulted. America will send you another million dollars to build a safe house for SOSGIN. Now remember, that 10% of the proceeds must be remitted to my ministry so that the devourer will be rebuked for your sake.
JOURNALIST: Alihmaduliliahi! Bishop may God continue to enlarge your coast. May the Oil on your head never run dry. God will place you at the gate of your enemies. It is your enemies that will experience "failure to launch". Even if your haters manage to launch, they will not last.
Original article done by Oluwole Leigh, translations mine.
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