Break The Chain Series; Emotional Abuse in Marriage

There seems to be an unleashed monster in our society today. Many more women are losing their lives to abuse in their marriages. Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices, demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. However, there's a form of abuse that is not as obvious - emotional abuse. Many women are dealing with this on a daily basis. Emotional abuse is not limited to women alone though, but it is prevalent among the womenfolk. And it has to stop. Too many beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, dedicated women are being lost on a daily basis. 


Emotional abuse, is much more insidious and not quite as visible as physical abuse. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done to themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.

"Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear"   (www.focusonthefamily.com).

“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.

There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive, it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this.

Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change - often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”. But, somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines. It is essential for mediators and counselors to bear this in mind. The abused has lived with the abuser longer and more intimately than you, she knows his much more than you do. Counselors should listen to the woman, let her express her fears and work with this. Do not force her into doing what you believe to be right.

The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. 

The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” - Amy Wildman White. 

The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.

The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteem even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” - Amy Wildman White.

Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievements, a woman’s identity is often based on her relationships. This makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.

One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this, society’s view, her husband's and the church's views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs, she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that the wives in these situations experience intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex (intimacy and trust), which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive, at the cost of her soul and spirit.

Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.

If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage, which can take many forms to keep a wife dependent on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house), or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please seek help. Talk to objective counselors or your religious leaders or seek therapy. Whatever positive action it will take to preserve your sanity and restore your self worth, please do.  

Steps to Handling Emotional Abuse
1. Realize you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her
You can attempt to show your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting you, and hope your partner will agree that you are being badly damaged. You can hope your partner will then make the decision to change. However, ultimately, you cannot force change. Realize that the abusiveness in your partner is rooted in multiple layers of their emotions and perspectives. Trying to change them through arguing or persuasion translates to them as the complete denial and devaluation of their experiences and realities. They will feel an immediate instinct to protect the intricacies of their own thought patterns and push your logic away in the process. Remember that you cannot argue logically with an unreasonable person.

2. Put your safety first 
Your energy is most effective when you change yourself. Abusers rarely change. Think about your needs and how you can meet them while staying safe.

3. Set new, reasonable terms for the relationship with clear and consistently implemented consequences
Decide (ideally together, but if that isn't possible, decide for yourself) that you're going to learn a new way of being in this relationship. Abuse most often exists because the emotional weaknesses of the abuser demand the exercise of control or torment of others (you) to give them a feeling of emotional security and fulfillment. Read that again, because it's important: Abuse really starts because of insecurity or trust issues with the abuser.

It is most often enabled by 
(1) the victim's inability or failure to recognize the abusive behavior, or 
(2) powerlessness of the victim, as in the case of a child enduring the emotional abuse of a parent. In adult relationships, sometimes, neither partner understands a healthy way to diffuse abuse and to respect each other or themselves.

Establish for yourself that you won't accept less than a safe and respectful relationship. All interactions will be honorable, and will specifically and especially exclude: name calling, character attacks/judgments, raised voices, spitting, throwing objects, etc. Be prepared to accept that this may never happen, especially in advanced stages of abuse, and that your commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship may result in the termination of this abusive one. When it comes to any such termination, be prepared to do that carefully and strategically, so as to avoid violent retaliation against you. Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse, so you do need to take steps to stay safe. Always be careful when leaving an abusive relationship, even one that's "just" emotionally abusive. 

4. Set boundaries
Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon an individuals equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it's up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for a honorable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Let your partner know that you now recognize your responsibility in allowing the disrespect in the past, but that this era has now come to an end. Recognize the damage incurred by the previous era and establish a commitment to obtaining the support needed to forgive and restore the peace and strength necessary for mutual respect in all of your future relationships.

Continuing to enforce disrespected boundaries while living with or constantly seeing an abuser will only enable and give the abuser permission to continue the abuse. Your presence is all that is needed for them to translate it into permission. Remember, you are dealing with tragic self centeredness of unfathomable depth and complexity. The abuser sees your lack of commitment to boundaries as a sign that you approve of their abusive behavior and in some way you are there to rescue them from themselves. You are not dealing with a reasonable person. Your logic and ethics are working in the abuser's defense, not shedding a contrasting light for them to use as guidance.


Do not tolerate repeated offenses longer than 30% of the total time you've been in the relationship. If you fail to stop tolerating it, then you must begin realizing your codependent streak and work against it with outside backup. You are not doomed to loneliness and the abuser does not realize or recognize how much they need you to pull away from them right now. You are not abandoning them or the relationship at this point. 

5. Develop emotional intelligence
In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly suppressing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing authentic, respectful anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the "fight or flight" response that is coming through, and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions to end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing. Express your deepest and strongest feelings only in forms where they will receive the fullest respect and support, such as a diary, a blog, a group of very close friends or trusted family members, a professional and respectful psychologist, etc. Abuse is NOT your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect.

6. Understand the dynamics of relationship
Some relationships are formed on physical attraction only, some on repeating past patterns learned from a parent, some are not of our choosing (as with a parent), and some are influenced by one or both partners' use of alcohol and drugs or the presence of mental illness. Regardless of what factors play into a relationship's dynamics, it's important to recognize that abuse is never warranted, and abuse is never the fault of the abused.

In a perfect world, relationships would be our highest learning playground. Perhaps the one we're with has the most to teach us, and often triggers the most extreme emotional responses. If you feel that it's safe to stay and learn with your partner, then take a good look at the dynamics playing out which have something to teach you. If you don't feel safe enough to stay, but need to end it, then reflect back on what you might learn about the relationship patterns that were in place. The learning may be about valuing yourself, unwinding old traumas, or expressing emotions healthily.

7. Source your safety
It's easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on his or her behavior. Ideally, a partner would keep you safe and respect you, but you are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your instincts, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.

8. Get some coaching or professional help
Find a relationship coach or mental health professional who can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferably one that utilizes a holistic approach to healing domestic violence will create the healthiest and most successful environment for learning and healing.

When your partner is willing and able to work on the behaviors and wants to make a change (for example, if the abuse is related to use of alcohol or other substances, and they're seeking to make changes in both those abuse triggers and your relationship), a no-blame approach in counseling might benefit you both. However, if your partner shows no signs of changing the cycle of abuse, a therapist who is individually focused on your safety and well-being is your best bet. They will be able to help you work out your own goals and boundaries within the relationship and, if need be, when and how to leave the situation with your safety as the primary concern.

9. Know when to say goodbye - and make a plan to do it safely
Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and cannot be saved. For your sake, and for the sake of your mental health, try hard to recognize as early as possible whether or not this relationship is even worth working on. The reason we date before marriage is to discover whether or not we are compatible. We thwart that process when we refuse to see that being treated poorly by another adult is unacceptable. Always be careful when leaving an abusive relationship, even one that's "just" emotionally abusive.

Credits: Empower Her, WikiHow, Google images