Musing; Beyond The Pain
She loves children.
She has always loved children. Barely out of childhood herself, she had taken a number of children under her wings. She couldn't explain it, she just had that pull towards children.
So, she looked forward to having her own. If she could, she would have had them in their tens, but she knew that was not possible. She wanted two. Two kids she could love totally. Love wholeheartedly. Love from her core. She had picked names for them. She was already seeing them in her mind's eye. She played with them in her imagination. When she met and married him, she was glad! That meant her dream was coming to reality sooner than later.
She peed on the stick, it glowed with two pink lines. She had never felt that intensity of joy before. She could not describe it. She wanted to laugh and cry. She wanted to jump and dance. She wanted to hug him tightly that moment and tell him they were going to be parents. She had to dam the words swirling around in her head before her neighbours thought she had gone bonkers. He was not around, and would not be for a while. She had thought when this time came, they would share it together. They had a long time to celebrate their miracle anyway, enough time to plan for the arrival of their offspring. Who knows, could be two at once. That made her more giddy. She sent a message to him. She could almost hear herself reading that message in his ears.
He called. He was excited. He wished he was with her. She could feel his joy across oceans. She enfolded herself in it. She needed to tell her mom she was becoming a grandma. It was days to her birthday, this was a wonderful birthday gift to give her. She was right, the grandma-in-waiting was beside herself with joy.
She started carrying herself with the gait of one bearing a precious seed. She avoided some of her normal activities that put a strain on her belly and back. It was too early to start ante-natal. Her doctor had said she should come back in a week. She paid better attention to her diet and ate them in time. This seed of hers must have the best she could give it, even while still cocooned in her. She started to make a list of things they would need. She made a note to visit the baby store close by. She wanted to start making purchases as soon as she could. She designed the nursery. She picked out the colours. None of those traditional blue and pink for her treasure. She was going to use beige, aqua, cream, yellow, cotton candy and bubble gum colours. There would be pictures on the wall. She would bring in two rockers so she and him could sit side by side as they took turns rocking their precious offspring. She always woke up with a smile on her face and went to bed with same.
She picked up her phone and checked the time. It was around 3am. Where was that piercing pain coming from? She tried to get up, it shot through her core. Instinctively, her hand covered her tummy. She didn't know what was wrong, but she knew she had to protect her young. She pulled a pillow close and held it to her mid section. Who could she call at this time of the night? He was not back yet, she was home alone. That pull again. It came from the base of her womb. She screamed into the pillow. Then she felt something wet between her thighs, her hand went there on its own accord. She brought it up and held it to her face, her fingers were covered in blood. She screamed more. What was this? What could this mean? She had to reach him somehow. She quickly sent him a mail, explaining in as few words as she could, what she was going through. He called her immediately, he was still awake. He suggested she called for the ambulance.
He said many things she didn't hear. The pain, the blood and the realization of what could be happening to her had taken over her reasoning faculties. She dragged herself up from the bed. It was painful, the blood stain on the bedsheet was gradually spreading. She walked into the bathroom and did the only thing she could do at that moment. She sat on the toilet bowl, clutching her tummy. The pain was killing her, slowly. Her back hurt. Tears were streaming down her face. She couldn't form words, but she was praying. She was asking God to preserve her seed. She was asking God to take the pain away.
Then, she heard a drop in the bowl. She looked down and saw the bloody lump. She collapsed on the floor. Was that her seed? Had her body expelled it? Had it rejected her? Before she could act on the first impulse of picking up the mass, it sank down the receptacle of the toilet bowl. She screamed, she wailed. Her heart had just shattered into a million pieces. Her first. The seed that had become flesh to her. The child she had seen herself holding and showering with kisses. It was here one minute and the next it was gone. She wailed. She sat in the puddle of her blood on the floor. Then she went quiet. She was exhausted. She wanted to sleep. But her phone beeped. He was calling to tell her he had called for someone to pick her up. She nodded. He asked if she heard him. She muttered a subdued yes and dropped the phone.
A tear escaped the corner of her eye. She allowed it trace its path down her face. Guy saw it. He asked her what was wrong. She smiled. She said it was too much to say at that time. He covered her hand that was on the gear stick and told her it would all work out fine. She nodded and smiled again. She was strengthened. She needed to move on. So she applied a little more pressure on the throttle. She had to drop Guy at the airport. He didn't have to miss his flight.
She has always loved children. Barely out of childhood herself, she had taken a number of children under her wings. She couldn't explain it, she just had that pull towards children.
So, she looked forward to having her own. If she could, she would have had them in their tens, but she knew that was not possible. She wanted two. Two kids she could love totally. Love wholeheartedly. Love from her core. She had picked names for them. She was already seeing them in her mind's eye. She played with them in her imagination. When she met and married him, she was glad! That meant her dream was coming to reality sooner than later.
She peed on the stick, it glowed with two pink lines. She had never felt that intensity of joy before. She could not describe it. She wanted to laugh and cry. She wanted to jump and dance. She wanted to hug him tightly that moment and tell him they were going to be parents. She had to dam the words swirling around in her head before her neighbours thought she had gone bonkers. He was not around, and would not be for a while. She had thought when this time came, they would share it together. They had a long time to celebrate their miracle anyway, enough time to plan for the arrival of their offspring. Who knows, could be two at once. That made her more giddy. She sent a message to him. She could almost hear herself reading that message in his ears.
He called. He was excited. He wished he was with her. She could feel his joy across oceans. She enfolded herself in it. She needed to tell her mom she was becoming a grandma. It was days to her birthday, this was a wonderful birthday gift to give her. She was right, the grandma-in-waiting was beside herself with joy.
She started carrying herself with the gait of one bearing a precious seed. She avoided some of her normal activities that put a strain on her belly and back. It was too early to start ante-natal. Her doctor had said she should come back in a week. She paid better attention to her diet and ate them in time. This seed of hers must have the best she could give it, even while still cocooned in her. She started to make a list of things they would need. She made a note to visit the baby store close by. She wanted to start making purchases as soon as she could. She designed the nursery. She picked out the colours. None of those traditional blue and pink for her treasure. She was going to use beige, aqua, cream, yellow, cotton candy and bubble gum colours. There would be pictures on the wall. She would bring in two rockers so she and him could sit side by side as they took turns rocking their precious offspring. She always woke up with a smile on her face and went to bed with same.
She picked up her phone and checked the time. It was around 3am. Where was that piercing pain coming from? She tried to get up, it shot through her core. Instinctively, her hand covered her tummy. She didn't know what was wrong, but she knew she had to protect her young. She pulled a pillow close and held it to her mid section. Who could she call at this time of the night? He was not back yet, she was home alone. That pull again. It came from the base of her womb. She screamed into the pillow. Then she felt something wet between her thighs, her hand went there on its own accord. She brought it up and held it to her face, her fingers were covered in blood. She screamed more. What was this? What could this mean? She had to reach him somehow. She quickly sent him a mail, explaining in as few words as she could, what she was going through. He called her immediately, he was still awake. He suggested she called for the ambulance.
He said many things she didn't hear. The pain, the blood and the realization of what could be happening to her had taken over her reasoning faculties. She dragged herself up from the bed. It was painful, the blood stain on the bedsheet was gradually spreading. She walked into the bathroom and did the only thing she could do at that moment. She sat on the toilet bowl, clutching her tummy. The pain was killing her, slowly. Her back hurt. Tears were streaming down her face. She couldn't form words, but she was praying. She was asking God to preserve her seed. She was asking God to take the pain away.
Then, she heard a drop in the bowl. She looked down and saw the bloody lump. She collapsed on the floor. Was that her seed? Had her body expelled it? Had it rejected her? Before she could act on the first impulse of picking up the mass, it sank down the receptacle of the toilet bowl. She screamed, she wailed. Her heart had just shattered into a million pieces. Her first. The seed that had become flesh to her. The child she had seen herself holding and showering with kisses. It was here one minute and the next it was gone. She wailed. She sat in the puddle of her blood on the floor. Then she went quiet. She was exhausted. She wanted to sleep. But her phone beeped. He was calling to tell her he had called for someone to pick her up. She nodded. He asked if she heard him. She muttered a subdued yes and dropped the phone.
A tear escaped the corner of her eye. She allowed it trace its path down her face. Guy saw it. He asked her what was wrong. She smiled. She said it was too much to say at that time. He covered her hand that was on the gear stick and told her it would all work out fine. She nodded and smiled again. She was strengthened. She needed to move on. So she applied a little more pressure on the throttle. She had to drop Guy at the airport. He didn't have to miss his flight.
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