What Is Best For Them?
Kids earn better grades in school when they live with both biological parents - unless mom and dad spend their days squabbling. The children of tense, bickering parents are more likely to binge drink than teenagers from calmer homes, and also tend to smoke more and are more likely to underachieve in school, researchers say in a new study. Teens living with bickering parents compare about the same as young adults who live in single parent or stepparent homes, says the study, published as a report from the California Center for Population Research at the University of California, Los Angeles.
“Our findings suggest that exposure to parental conflict in adolescence is associated with poorer academic achievement, increased substance use, and early family formation and dissolution, often in ways indistinguishable from living in a stepfather or single-mother family”, says Kelly Musick, PhD, an associate professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University.
Musick, lead author of the study, and co-author Ann Meier, PhD, of the University of Minnesota, analyzed data on teens in 1,963 households from three waves of the National Survey of Families and Households from 1987 to 2002. They compared youths from their teens to early 30s, comparing those who lived with married parents who often fought to comparable young people living in stepfather or single-mother households. Compared with kids in low-conflict families, children from families with fighting parents at home “are more likely to drop out of school, have poor grades, smoke, binge drink, use marijuana, have early sex, be young and unmarried when they have a child and then experience the breakup of that relationship”, Musick says.
They say they found that income and parenting styles didn’t account for the differences, and add that the timing and sequence of such young adult transitions are key indicators of success later in life. Young adults from squabbling families are less likely to quit school, have early sex, or cohabit than are youths living with single mothers or stepfathers, and they’re more likely to attend college - but also more likely to binge drink, the researchers say. “The odds of binge drinking are about a third higher for children from high-conflict families compared to single-mother families”, Musick says.
The study indicates that how well parents manage their anger is very important. “Our results clearly illustrate that the advantages of living with two continuously married parents are not shared equally by all children,” the authors write.
Just about all marriages can be saved, but that doesn't mean that staying in a relationship and trying to work things out on your own is best for your family in the immediate future. Being a child of divorce can create an unhealthy legacy for kids to carry on, but so can remaining in a dysfunctional marriage without seeking help for your problems. Aside from the adverse effects these types of relationships have on kids, they create baggage for the adults as well. Pretty soon, the wall of discontent and pain created by these marriages is built so high that the concept of working through things in a civilized manner becomes foreign and seems impossible. The foundation of a happy family is a strong, loving relationship between the two of you. The single, most important thing that you can do for your children is to do everything in your power to have the best possible relationship with your spouse. If they see the two of you getting along and supporting each other, they will mirror you and will likely get along with each other and their friends. Every single ounce of energy that you put into your relationship will come back to you tenfold through your children.
On the other hand, children are also great imitators of less than perfect behavior. If they see the two of you arguing constantly, calling each other names, putting each other down, or hitting each other, you will probably see them repeating these negative behaviors. They will probably feel insecure, and this insecurity might be reflected in poor grades, bad behavior at school or home, or even depression. If the two of you are going through a rough period, work on your relationship! The entire family will benefit, not just the two of you.
The Great Imitators
George and Tina's 11-year-old son, Eric, had been acting up for a few months. Before, he was a solid “B” student and was well liked in school. Recently, however, he had been failing some of his exams, not doing his school reports, and neglecting his friends. Eric had also started to talk back to his parents, walk away from the dinner table, and slam the door to his room. George and Tina just didn't know what to do. The worse Eric's behavior got, the more they worried and the more they fought. They blamed each other for his behavior, and rather than come up with solutions, they kept focusing on the problems.
When George and Tina reached the end of their rope, they sought counselling. Listening to their description of his problems, they were asked how things were going for the two of them. They admitted they had been fighting a lot lately, even before their son was having problems. They were struggling financially, and both were working overtime to bring in extra income. They weren't going out together anymore in an effort to save money, and in general they weren't even enjoying each other's company. They never discussed their problems in front of their son because they didn't want to worry him. As they talked more and more about their problems, Tina and George started getting the message that their behavior had really affected Eric.
Over time, George and Tina worked through a lot of their financial worries. They changed their budget so they could reduce their work hours, and they started to go out together again. They made a point to have a nice meal every night and talk about everyone's day. Their son gradually returned to his old self. He started inviting friends over to the house and completing his assignments. Eric's behavior problems had been a reflection of his parents' problems. When his parents worked through their difficulties, Eric's behavior began to improve.
Do you stay together for the kids?
I believe most marriages can be saved but I believe there is a right and wrong way to go about doing this. Living as roommates – two people under one roof who are unable or unwilling to restore intimacy, creating a volatile home situation for the family due to arguments, fights and blow-ups, or putting kids in a situation where they feel they must look out for their parents and their family are just a few of the wrong ways to stay together.
This is why I say that people rarely truly "stay together for the kids". People stay with a troubled relationship because deep down they want to make it work and they believe they can get to the bottom of the situation, and work through it. These are valuable sentiments to acknowledge and important in beginning to re-build the relationship, if that's what the couple chooses to do.
Volatile relationships create baggage for every family member
Otherwise, there will be a baggage that comes with continuing in a volatile relationship as these decisions will follow the children around for the rest of their lives. People who are in these types of relationships – and this includes the whole family as well as the individual adults – can experience an emotional emptiness passed down from generation to generation via what is called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection which typically transpires from a combination of stress, separation and loss. It can affect children of all ages, including even the unborn.
A brush with death as a solution?
People who are facing this type of baggage – where they are unable to move past certain issues on their own – are encouraged to engage in a "brush with death". This is not an easy decision to make, or one that should be made lightly as it can have painful effects if not entered into with mutual goals. It can also be looked at as "breaking up to make up". It's the idea that the couple wants to make things work in the long run, but need some time to sort through their anger, frustration and other emotions on their own.
Now, this does not refer to something where the couple breaks up with the "cushion" that it "might work out at a later date" (how many times are we all guilty of saying, hoping for, or believing that?). What is meant here is an intentioned break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome.
Explore family play therapy with professional guidance
Of course a decision to separate with the intention of finding solutions would be difficult enough without adding kids to the mix, but can be even more troubling when children are involved. This is why the family can engage what is called Family Play Therapy, which can be done at home. This therapy is used to cushion the pain a child feels.
Facing a painful relationship is upsetting at any age, but with intentioned forethought we can work to turn the baggage of a failed relationship into a success story, and that is hopeful for people of any age.
“Our findings suggest that exposure to parental conflict in adolescence is associated with poorer academic achievement, increased substance use, and early family formation and dissolution, often in ways indistinguishable from living in a stepfather or single-mother family”, says Kelly Musick, PhD, an associate professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University.
Musick, lead author of the study, and co-author Ann Meier, PhD, of the University of Minnesota, analyzed data on teens in 1,963 households from three waves of the National Survey of Families and Households from 1987 to 2002. They compared youths from their teens to early 30s, comparing those who lived with married parents who often fought to comparable young people living in stepfather or single-mother households. Compared with kids in low-conflict families, children from families with fighting parents at home “are more likely to drop out of school, have poor grades, smoke, binge drink, use marijuana, have early sex, be young and unmarried when they have a child and then experience the breakup of that relationship”, Musick says.
They say they found that income and parenting styles didn’t account for the differences, and add that the timing and sequence of such young adult transitions are key indicators of success later in life. Young adults from squabbling families are less likely to quit school, have early sex, or cohabit than are youths living with single mothers or stepfathers, and they’re more likely to attend college - but also more likely to binge drink, the researchers say. “The odds of binge drinking are about a third higher for children from high-conflict families compared to single-mother families”, Musick says.
The study indicates that how well parents manage their anger is very important. “Our results clearly illustrate that the advantages of living with two continuously married parents are not shared equally by all children,” the authors write.
Just about all marriages can be saved, but that doesn't mean that staying in a relationship and trying to work things out on your own is best for your family in the immediate future. Being a child of divorce can create an unhealthy legacy for kids to carry on, but so can remaining in a dysfunctional marriage without seeking help for your problems. Aside from the adverse effects these types of relationships have on kids, they create baggage for the adults as well. Pretty soon, the wall of discontent and pain created by these marriages is built so high that the concept of working through things in a civilized manner becomes foreign and seems impossible. The foundation of a happy family is a strong, loving relationship between the two of you. The single, most important thing that you can do for your children is to do everything in your power to have the best possible relationship with your spouse. If they see the two of you getting along and supporting each other, they will mirror you and will likely get along with each other and their friends. Every single ounce of energy that you put into your relationship will come back to you tenfold through your children.
On the other hand, children are also great imitators of less than perfect behavior. If they see the two of you arguing constantly, calling each other names, putting each other down, or hitting each other, you will probably see them repeating these negative behaviors. They will probably feel insecure, and this insecurity might be reflected in poor grades, bad behavior at school or home, or even depression. If the two of you are going through a rough period, work on your relationship! The entire family will benefit, not just the two of you.
The Great Imitators
George and Tina's 11-year-old son, Eric, had been acting up for a few months. Before, he was a solid “B” student and was well liked in school. Recently, however, he had been failing some of his exams, not doing his school reports, and neglecting his friends. Eric had also started to talk back to his parents, walk away from the dinner table, and slam the door to his room. George and Tina just didn't know what to do. The worse Eric's behavior got, the more they worried and the more they fought. They blamed each other for his behavior, and rather than come up with solutions, they kept focusing on the problems.
When George and Tina reached the end of their rope, they sought counselling. Listening to their description of his problems, they were asked how things were going for the two of them. They admitted they had been fighting a lot lately, even before their son was having problems. They were struggling financially, and both were working overtime to bring in extra income. They weren't going out together anymore in an effort to save money, and in general they weren't even enjoying each other's company. They never discussed their problems in front of their son because they didn't want to worry him. As they talked more and more about their problems, Tina and George started getting the message that their behavior had really affected Eric.
Over time, George and Tina worked through a lot of their financial worries. They changed their budget so they could reduce their work hours, and they started to go out together again. They made a point to have a nice meal every night and talk about everyone's day. Their son gradually returned to his old self. He started inviting friends over to the house and completing his assignments. Eric's behavior problems had been a reflection of his parents' problems. When his parents worked through their difficulties, Eric's behavior began to improve.
Do you stay together for the kids?
I believe most marriages can be saved but I believe there is a right and wrong way to go about doing this. Living as roommates – two people under one roof who are unable or unwilling to restore intimacy, creating a volatile home situation for the family due to arguments, fights and blow-ups, or putting kids in a situation where they feel they must look out for their parents and their family are just a few of the wrong ways to stay together.
This is why I say that people rarely truly "stay together for the kids". People stay with a troubled relationship because deep down they want to make it work and they believe they can get to the bottom of the situation, and work through it. These are valuable sentiments to acknowledge and important in beginning to re-build the relationship, if that's what the couple chooses to do.
Volatile relationships create baggage for every family member
Otherwise, there will be a baggage that comes with continuing in a volatile relationship as these decisions will follow the children around for the rest of their lives. People who are in these types of relationships – and this includes the whole family as well as the individual adults – can experience an emotional emptiness passed down from generation to generation via what is called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection which typically transpires from a combination of stress, separation and loss. It can affect children of all ages, including even the unborn.
A brush with death as a solution?
People who are facing this type of baggage – where they are unable to move past certain issues on their own – are encouraged to engage in a "brush with death". This is not an easy decision to make, or one that should be made lightly as it can have painful effects if not entered into with mutual goals. It can also be looked at as "breaking up to make up". It's the idea that the couple wants to make things work in the long run, but need some time to sort through their anger, frustration and other emotions on their own.
Now, this does not refer to something where the couple breaks up with the "cushion" that it "might work out at a later date" (how many times are we all guilty of saying, hoping for, or believing that?). What is meant here is an intentioned break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome.
Explore family play therapy with professional guidance
Of course a decision to separate with the intention of finding solutions would be difficult enough without adding kids to the mix, but can be even more troubling when children are involved. This is why the family can engage what is called Family Play Therapy, which can be done at home. This therapy is used to cushion the pain a child feels.
Facing a painful relationship is upsetting at any age, but with intentioned forethought we can work to turn the baggage of a failed relationship into a success story, and that is hopeful for people of any age.
Culled and edited. Images: Google
Comments
Post a Comment