Musing; DROPPED BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
For many days, Gloria has not been able to catch any sleep at night. Just the other day, her boss commented about her absent mindedness and how jumpy she had become recently. She tried to smile it away and put it down to her recent workload. He encouraged her and promised to help her lighten the workload as much as the organization could make room for. She thanked him and returned to her desk.
Gloria pulled her chair close to her desk, hit the enter button on her keyboard to remove the screensaver. Then, tears poured down her face. She quickly reached for her hanky which was always within reach in the past few months, and dabbed at her face, careful to keep her make-up in place. The wallpaper that stared back at her on the screen was the picture she took with her husband, Sam, at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City, during their vacation three near years ago. She remembered that day so vividly – they had so much fun, studying the NYC landscape from that height and joking about King Kong suddenly making an appearance. On their return from the vacation, she didn’t think twice about using that picture as her wallpaper, because of the memories it brought back to her. Now, she clicked on the control panel as she made to change that wallpaper.
Like so many other women out there, Gloria has been enduring emotional and psychological abuse in her marriage. Her once loving husband slowly but gradually developed a coldness towards her and stopped talking to her. He barely picked at the food she served him and he’s been on a protracted sex vacation. She longed for the intimacy they once shared. She wanted to be held by him again, wanted to gist with him again, laugh with him again and play with him like they used to.
She’s been to the hospital for different sessions of sedation, but none worked. Her mind was working against her physiology, rendering the medication useless. Her doctor had told her she needed to give herself some rest so she does not snap and become a nut case. But she was finding it extremely difficult. After several pleas and apologies to Sam, asking him what she had done wrong and casting her net of apology really wide, she still ended up with nothing concrete to work with. Sam had frozen over “overnight”, that’s all she could say. And she was putting up appearances at work, with her friends, their friends, families and even in church. But on the inside, she was dying. One of the very few older friends she had confided in told her she was lucky Sam was not beating her. What!? She did not talk to any one after that. How dare that friend belittle her pain? Did, not bearing physical scars of battery mean she was suffering less than others that were being physically abused?
For Gloria and other women in emotionally or psychologically abusive marriages, this struggle is so real. Society tends to belittle their experiences and makes them feel they are ingrates of sorts. However, too many people have died from pains of the heart. I said people because some men are also victims of emotional/psychological abuse. They have ice-queens for wives and are left in the cold always. Are you in this type of situation? Then I have a number of things to tell you.
1. The first step, after you have tried to make peace and it isn’t working, LOVE YOURSELF. I mean, really shower yourself with some love. There’s just one of you and that one deserves to be loved. If the person you have given your love to has refused to reciprocate it, shower yourself with love. Look good. Whatever (healthy) dress size you want to be, work at it and achieve it. Dress for yourself and never go out without feeling your best. Eat right, eat healthy, eat well. Take yourself out on treats and photoshoots. You get my drift? BE HAPPY, you deserve to be. Don’t lose your self-esteem. NEVER allow a fellow human being talk you down. And if you have lost it, please pick yourself up again.
2. Determine what you want and what’s best for you. You ALONE wears the shoe and know where it pinches. Evaluate your situation and draw out a survival plan. If the emotional pain has gotten so bad that it could lead to a mental breakdown or even death, please, seek medical help. Don’t be too secretive or private not to take advantage of medical science. See a psychiatrist if you have to. And I advise, give some room. Move out of that toxic environment for some time. Take out time to detox emotionally and think things through. Also, allow your spouse some space to evaluate the situation on their own. A good number of times, this temporary separation helps to heal the situation. If you choose to stay on in the relationship, have a safety plan. Talk to trusted friends and have their numbers on emergency dial. If you decide that the situation could cost you your life, have a solid exit plan.
3. Get empowered. This is really for the women. Many times, women stay on in abusive/violent relationships because they do not have financial means to stand on their own. If you want to work in a corporate environment, seek openings and apply, talk to friends and get the word out. Prepare yourself for employment – get educated or more education, certifications or join professional bodies, learn skills – entrepreneurship is thriving these days, start a business within your means or offer services that can be paid for – market runs, home cleaning, whatever legal and clean services you can offer. Make a living.
4. If children are involved, PLEASE PROTECT THEM. In the African society, especially, a woman is urged to stay on in an abusive/violent relationship ‘because of the kids’. However, I have news for you woman, if you stay in it and lose your life in it, you have done no good to those children. They need you alive. You’re of use and benefit to them alive. They will suffer far more if you die because of domestic abuse/violence. I have also heard of men who chose to work out their issues because they didn’t want their kids to grow up in a broken home situation. You need to note that children who experienced their parent being abused, usually tend to repeat abuse/violence in their own homes. Domestic abuse/violence is cyclical. Protect your kids – do right by them.
5. NEVER make it your fault. The choice the other party makes is entirely theirs. Yes, you might have been at fault, but your spouse is a grown person, make their own decisions and should shoulder responsibility for same. Apologize where you were wrong, forgive yourself and move on! But don’t make it your fault. I read a story by a man, he cheated on his wife and she became a wreck for it. He realized the effect of what he did and was sorry, but the poor woman had become a permanent resident in a mental ward. You should never let things degenerate to that level.
6. There’s a lot of hush around domestic abuse/violence. Especially in African settings, we tend to be so secretive about it. This leaves other women who go through it thinking they’re the only ones in such a situation, and in turn, blaming themselves for what is not their fault. Find educative forums to speak out about it. Share your experience, encourage someone else, gain strength from them too. Seek Godly and good counsel, don’t be strong alone. There are good shoulders around you can lean on, if you will just open up. However, be careful who you talk to – only people you believe have an answer or a shoulder for you. Do not let life harden you.
7. Smile despite your pain. Get involved in productive activities. Volunteer in organizations that are in line with your interests or passion. Staying alone in the shadow of your pain will not do you much good. You need to get out and do something fun for yourself and for others. Help others walk through their pain when you’re through yours. Don’t keep whining about what didn’t work. Leave the past in the past and march forward.
Now, for those who will be in a position to offer help as counsellors, friends, family members, here are some things you should know.
1. Learn to listen. Generally, human beings tend to talk much more than we listen, but we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. Someone in an abusive/violent relationship, sometimes, wishes just to talk, to have a listening ear. Don’t always want/have to say something – you don’t have to. Just listen! Allow them pour out their hearts, sit with them, hold their hands and just be there.
2. One common mistake 'counsellors' make is apportioning blame. DO NOT DO THIS. Hear both parties out if possible and amicably proffer solutions. Judging one party makes that party lose confidence in you and in effect, terminates your intervention.
3. Don’t make it about you! Someone has come to you to pour out their heart and you jump right in with your own ‘stories that touch’. Please don’t do that. Allow that person ‘grieve’. Allow them pour out their heart. Leave your own experience for some other time, not that particular time.
4. Above all, CONFIDENTIALITY is key! Whatever is told you, keep it in confidence. They should not be hearing what they told you on the streets or in the grapevine. Someone else’s pain should not become breaking news. Just saying.
You will be fine, just stay strong.
Are you a woman in need of a forum to let off some steam? Shoot me a text (+2347089333550) if you desire to be added to a WhatsApp group solely for this purpose.
Gloria pulled her chair close to her desk, hit the enter button on her keyboard to remove the screensaver. Then, tears poured down her face. She quickly reached for her hanky which was always within reach in the past few months, and dabbed at her face, careful to keep her make-up in place. The wallpaper that stared back at her on the screen was the picture she took with her husband, Sam, at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City, during their vacation three near years ago. She remembered that day so vividly – they had so much fun, studying the NYC landscape from that height and joking about King Kong suddenly making an appearance. On their return from the vacation, she didn’t think twice about using that picture as her wallpaper, because of the memories it brought back to her. Now, she clicked on the control panel as she made to change that wallpaper.
Like so many other women out there, Gloria has been enduring emotional and psychological abuse in her marriage. Her once loving husband slowly but gradually developed a coldness towards her and stopped talking to her. He barely picked at the food she served him and he’s been on a protracted sex vacation. She longed for the intimacy they once shared. She wanted to be held by him again, wanted to gist with him again, laugh with him again and play with him like they used to.
She’s been to the hospital for different sessions of sedation, but none worked. Her mind was working against her physiology, rendering the medication useless. Her doctor had told her she needed to give herself some rest so she does not snap and become a nut case. But she was finding it extremely difficult. After several pleas and apologies to Sam, asking him what she had done wrong and casting her net of apology really wide, she still ended up with nothing concrete to work with. Sam had frozen over “overnight”, that’s all she could say. And she was putting up appearances at work, with her friends, their friends, families and even in church. But on the inside, she was dying. One of the very few older friends she had confided in told her she was lucky Sam was not beating her. What!? She did not talk to any one after that. How dare that friend belittle her pain? Did, not bearing physical scars of battery mean she was suffering less than others that were being physically abused?
For Gloria and other women in emotionally or psychologically abusive marriages, this struggle is so real. Society tends to belittle their experiences and makes them feel they are ingrates of sorts. However, too many people have died from pains of the heart. I said people because some men are also victims of emotional/psychological abuse. They have ice-queens for wives and are left in the cold always. Are you in this type of situation? Then I have a number of things to tell you.
1. The first step, after you have tried to make peace and it isn’t working, LOVE YOURSELF. I mean, really shower yourself with some love. There’s just one of you and that one deserves to be loved. If the person you have given your love to has refused to reciprocate it, shower yourself with love. Look good. Whatever (healthy) dress size you want to be, work at it and achieve it. Dress for yourself and never go out without feeling your best. Eat right, eat healthy, eat well. Take yourself out on treats and photoshoots. You get my drift? BE HAPPY, you deserve to be. Don’t lose your self-esteem. NEVER allow a fellow human being talk you down. And if you have lost it, please pick yourself up again.
2. Determine what you want and what’s best for you. You ALONE wears the shoe and know where it pinches. Evaluate your situation and draw out a survival plan. If the emotional pain has gotten so bad that it could lead to a mental breakdown or even death, please, seek medical help. Don’t be too secretive or private not to take advantage of medical science. See a psychiatrist if you have to. And I advise, give some room. Move out of that toxic environment for some time. Take out time to detox emotionally and think things through. Also, allow your spouse some space to evaluate the situation on their own. A good number of times, this temporary separation helps to heal the situation. If you choose to stay on in the relationship, have a safety plan. Talk to trusted friends and have their numbers on emergency dial. If you decide that the situation could cost you your life, have a solid exit plan.
3. Get empowered. This is really for the women. Many times, women stay on in abusive/violent relationships because they do not have financial means to stand on their own. If you want to work in a corporate environment, seek openings and apply, talk to friends and get the word out. Prepare yourself for employment – get educated or more education, certifications or join professional bodies, learn skills – entrepreneurship is thriving these days, start a business within your means or offer services that can be paid for – market runs, home cleaning, whatever legal and clean services you can offer. Make a living.
4. If children are involved, PLEASE PROTECT THEM. In the African society, especially, a woman is urged to stay on in an abusive/violent relationship ‘because of the kids’. However, I have news for you woman, if you stay in it and lose your life in it, you have done no good to those children. They need you alive. You’re of use and benefit to them alive. They will suffer far more if you die because of domestic abuse/violence. I have also heard of men who chose to work out their issues because they didn’t want their kids to grow up in a broken home situation. You need to note that children who experienced their parent being abused, usually tend to repeat abuse/violence in their own homes. Domestic abuse/violence is cyclical. Protect your kids – do right by them.
5. NEVER make it your fault. The choice the other party makes is entirely theirs. Yes, you might have been at fault, but your spouse is a grown person, make their own decisions and should shoulder responsibility for same. Apologize where you were wrong, forgive yourself and move on! But don’t make it your fault. I read a story by a man, he cheated on his wife and she became a wreck for it. He realized the effect of what he did and was sorry, but the poor woman had become a permanent resident in a mental ward. You should never let things degenerate to that level.
6. There’s a lot of hush around domestic abuse/violence. Especially in African settings, we tend to be so secretive about it. This leaves other women who go through it thinking they’re the only ones in such a situation, and in turn, blaming themselves for what is not their fault. Find educative forums to speak out about it. Share your experience, encourage someone else, gain strength from them too. Seek Godly and good counsel, don’t be strong alone. There are good shoulders around you can lean on, if you will just open up. However, be careful who you talk to – only people you believe have an answer or a shoulder for you. Do not let life harden you.
7. Smile despite your pain. Get involved in productive activities. Volunteer in organizations that are in line with your interests or passion. Staying alone in the shadow of your pain will not do you much good. You need to get out and do something fun for yourself and for others. Help others walk through their pain when you’re through yours. Don’t keep whining about what didn’t work. Leave the past in the past and march forward.
Now, for those who will be in a position to offer help as counsellors, friends, family members, here are some things you should know.
1. Learn to listen. Generally, human beings tend to talk much more than we listen, but we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. Someone in an abusive/violent relationship, sometimes, wishes just to talk, to have a listening ear. Don’t always want/have to say something – you don’t have to. Just listen! Allow them pour out their hearts, sit with them, hold their hands and just be there.
2. One common mistake 'counsellors' make is apportioning blame. DO NOT DO THIS. Hear both parties out if possible and amicably proffer solutions. Judging one party makes that party lose confidence in you and in effect, terminates your intervention.
3. Don’t make it about you! Someone has come to you to pour out their heart and you jump right in with your own ‘stories that touch’. Please don’t do that. Allow that person ‘grieve’. Allow them pour out their heart. Leave your own experience for some other time, not that particular time.
4. Above all, CONFIDENTIALITY is key! Whatever is told you, keep it in confidence. They should not be hearing what they told you on the streets or in the grapevine. Someone else’s pain should not become breaking news. Just saying.
You will be fine, just stay strong.
Are you a woman in need of a forum to let off some steam? Shoot me a text (+2347089333550) if you desire to be added to a WhatsApp group solely for this purpose.
Images: Google
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