Abby Speaks; Face of Abuse
Victims of abuse are accused of exaggerating or fishing for pity and sympathy whenever they relate their experiences to people that have never experienced abuse. People find it hard to believe that abusers unleash abuse on their victims without provocation or a justifiable reason. The problem such people have is not only understanding the abuse, but also accepting that it occurred without a reasonable justifiable reason.
And because it is human nature to want to explain away anything that makes us uncomfortable, we are quick to explain away abuse. Even if that means betraying a loved one in the process. Even when a victim claims not to be guilty of any offence to provoke the abuse, he/she is accused of being a liar. The truth is, an abuser does not need a reason to abuse his/her victim. A smile or stare can be a good enough reason, depending on his or her mood.
Another misleading perception people have is the belief that because a person is nice, friendly, helpful and generous, he/she cannot be abusive to his/her mate. This is not true. In fact, most abusers are all that and more whenever it suits them. That is how they were able to get a mate to fall into their trap. It's a ploy used to cover up their true nature. Abusers are ever careful and mindful of their public image.
They know how important this is in being able to get away with abusing their victim and still have the support of family members and the public. It is usually the victim that is seen as the "trouble maker", "a drama queen" for crying out for help. When in actual fact, he/she is the one that knows that the public image of the abuser is a facade.
There are different reasons for an abuser's destructive nature. Some of them are:-
Narcissistic Personality
This is a personality disorder involving arrogant behaviour, lack of empathy for other people. Individuals with this personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. They have an insatiable desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times. They are self-centered, manipulative, demanding, power motivated with an excessive, egotistic admiration for their physical appearance.
Such individuals are not only abusive to their mates but also to their children. They lack human feelings and are only concerned about their needs and interest.
Family Background
Men that are from families where women are seen as chattels and possession, without any rights or value apart from tending to the needs of men and procreation are usually chronic abusers. Their fathers were handed all the techniques and methods of abuse by their fathers, they in turn hand over the "family tradition" to their sons. Such individuals grew up watching women dehumanized and they believe that is how women should be treated. No matter where such individuals find themselves or how educated/exposed they become, they will always abuse the women they have dealings with, turning the lives of such women into a living hell. Except they face the truth about themselves and seek help, such individuals will always be abusive.
Insecurity and Inferiority Complex
This is common with individuals with negative self image and perception. No matter how gifted and loved they are, they will lack confidence in themselves. They are easily threatened by other people's successes and personality. No matter how much you love them, they are never satisfied, taking and giving little or nothing back. They are "users", always moving from one mate to another looking for affirmation. They cannot love another since they do not even love themselves. The value of a mate to such individuals is positional, financial and material. And when they see a "better" mate, they dump their mate without blinking an eye. They will not however totally release the mate. They keep him/her hanging as a "reserve". They are controlled by their personal demons and destroy everything good in their mates' lives in the process.
An abuser can be one for one or a combination of these three reasons. The important thing is to know that abusers are the way they are for whatever reason.And they are lethal and dangerous. Never allow sentiment to prevent you from protecting your life from an abuser. The lives of their victims means nothing to them, not to talk of their death. It is the responsibility of everyone to fight against the destruction abusers are causing in the society.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and
alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
And because it is human nature to want to explain away anything that makes us uncomfortable, we are quick to explain away abuse. Even if that means betraying a loved one in the process. Even when a victim claims not to be guilty of any offence to provoke the abuse, he/she is accused of being a liar. The truth is, an abuser does not need a reason to abuse his/her victim. A smile or stare can be a good enough reason, depending on his or her mood.
Another misleading perception people have is the belief that because a person is nice, friendly, helpful and generous, he/she cannot be abusive to his/her mate. This is not true. In fact, most abusers are all that and more whenever it suits them. That is how they were able to get a mate to fall into their trap. It's a ploy used to cover up their true nature. Abusers are ever careful and mindful of their public image.
They know how important this is in being able to get away with abusing their victim and still have the support of family members and the public. It is usually the victim that is seen as the "trouble maker", "a drama queen" for crying out for help. When in actual fact, he/she is the one that knows that the public image of the abuser is a facade.
There are different reasons for an abuser's destructive nature. Some of them are:-
Narcissistic Personality
This is a personality disorder involving arrogant behaviour, lack of empathy for other people. Individuals with this personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. They have an insatiable desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times. They are self-centered, manipulative, demanding, power motivated with an excessive, egotistic admiration for their physical appearance.
Such individuals are not only abusive to their mates but also to their children. They lack human feelings and are only concerned about their needs and interest.
Family Background
Men that are from families where women are seen as chattels and possession, without any rights or value apart from tending to the needs of men and procreation are usually chronic abusers. Their fathers were handed all the techniques and methods of abuse by their fathers, they in turn hand over the "family tradition" to their sons. Such individuals grew up watching women dehumanized and they believe that is how women should be treated. No matter where such individuals find themselves or how educated/exposed they become, they will always abuse the women they have dealings with, turning the lives of such women into a living hell. Except they face the truth about themselves and seek help, such individuals will always be abusive.
Insecurity and Inferiority Complex
This is common with individuals with negative self image and perception. No matter how gifted and loved they are, they will lack confidence in themselves. They are easily threatened by other people's successes and personality. No matter how much you love them, they are never satisfied, taking and giving little or nothing back. They are "users", always moving from one mate to another looking for affirmation. They cannot love another since they do not even love themselves. The value of a mate to such individuals is positional, financial and material. And when they see a "better" mate, they dump their mate without blinking an eye. They will not however totally release the mate. They keep him/her hanging as a "reserve". They are controlled by their personal demons and destroy everything good in their mates' lives in the process.
An abuser can be one for one or a combination of these three reasons. The important thing is to know that abusers are the way they are for whatever reason.And they are lethal and dangerous. Never allow sentiment to prevent you from protecting your life from an abuser. The lives of their victims means nothing to them, not to talk of their death. It is the responsibility of everyone to fight against the destruction abusers are causing in the society.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
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