Musing; Alive
Normally, she would not have gone out again at that time. There was an unconscious timer in her that rang out an alarm whenever she was not heading home by 6pm. Her entire system would just go into panic mode. She had been brought up to return home before the street lights came on.
However, that evening, she silenced the alarm. She knocked the batteries out of it. She asked what program Guy had for that evening. He said he had set it apart for her. She asked him to change into something comfortable, they were going dancing.
The first time the starvation started, she thought it was a joke. She thought he was just lashing out. She thought he would come around. She thought he was just angry. But he wasn't. He had asked for her grocery list, she gave him. He returned it to her with only the approved items ticked and that exact amount, he gave to her. She complained. She made a case for those items that didn't make the cut. He had spoken and was not ready to listen to her. That was the beginning of many grocery list vetting.
They started having to manage everything. They didn't need to. It was just the two of them. They could afford to eat well and live well. For some reason she could not explain, he had placed the household on a financial choke hold. She got creative with what was available. He would reject what she presented, saying it was below his standard. Then, she got tired. She stopped submitting her lists for vetting. He stopped funding the home account. The starvation started.
She got up one morning. Her tummy was in all shapes of twisted. The previous day, she had practically had only water. She was not surprised at the reaction of her tummy that morning. She turned on the bed. She had come to dread mornings. No, she dreaded nights. She was insomniac. The loneliness kept her awake all night. The pain in her heart drove sleep far from her. When eventually her eyes got tired of their protest and gave way to nature, she didn't want to wake the next morning, just to face the same cycle. She became deeply depressed. Thoughts of life hereafter became more comforting than thinking of her existence on earth. She kept hoping the moment she shut her eyes would be the last time she did. But, no. She would still wake up the next day.
This morning, she was weak. She could not lift her hands. She slowly opened her eyes and sighed. To her, ten minutes felt like ten hours. She fast forwarded the day to the end and the in-between was nothing she looked forward to at all. This morning was one of those morning he required a full tabled breakfast. She didn't have the strength. She could not even hold her toothbrush. She gave in and sank back into the mattress. About an hour later, he came into the bedroom, look at her lying there, with an awful disgusted look on his face. He announced he was going to get something to eat. She didn't respond. She didn't have any words.
She blinked off that picture. Even now, her tummy growled, thinking about that day. But why would she think about it right now? Guy was here. All was right again with the world. She should not be entertaining such thoughts. She remembered the staff club had a live band on the weekends. She put on her seat belt, smiled at Guy and backed out of the hotel parking lot.
The club was a very sane place. The band was already playing when they got there. She danced her way around the tables, settling for one close to the pool. She liked the view of the pool that night. The changing lights in it created an ambience she feel in instant love with. She would have dived in, to feel the embrace of those lights around her. But her agenda this night had nothing to do with the water. Her feet were itching for their dance. They barely settled at the table that she started to sway on her seat. Guy looked at her and smiled. She saw his smile was not the free, happy smile he usually gave her. Her earlier countenance had affected him. She needed him to come on this new plane with her.
"Why so serious?" She asked him.
"Why did you change your mind?" He asked in return.
"I did?"
"Didn't you?"
She laughed from within her belly. She threw her head back and breathed in the air. It carried on it the smell of barbecue chicken and the chlorine water of the pool. Somehow, those two smells blended together very well. She had let her hair down in the car. The gentle breeze now gently blew it in her face.
"Guy, you live once. I've spent too much time bemoaning life. I've wasted too much time in the doldrums of bitterness and pain. It's time to live again." She said that with a smile, her dimpled smile, as she poked Guy in the ribs. "Come on, let's dance". She pulled him to his feet and led him to the dance floor, where she lost all the burdens of the past.
Her inner alarm made an attempt at blaring. She stomped the life out of it.
However, that evening, she silenced the alarm. She knocked the batteries out of it. She asked what program Guy had for that evening. He said he had set it apart for her. She asked him to change into something comfortable, they were going dancing.
The first time the starvation started, she thought it was a joke. She thought he was just lashing out. She thought he would come around. She thought he was just angry. But he wasn't. He had asked for her grocery list, she gave him. He returned it to her with only the approved items ticked and that exact amount, he gave to her. She complained. She made a case for those items that didn't make the cut. He had spoken and was not ready to listen to her. That was the beginning of many grocery list vetting.
They started having to manage everything. They didn't need to. It was just the two of them. They could afford to eat well and live well. For some reason she could not explain, he had placed the household on a financial choke hold. She got creative with what was available. He would reject what she presented, saying it was below his standard. Then, she got tired. She stopped submitting her lists for vetting. He stopped funding the home account. The starvation started.
She got up one morning. Her tummy was in all shapes of twisted. The previous day, she had practically had only water. She was not surprised at the reaction of her tummy that morning. She turned on the bed. She had come to dread mornings. No, she dreaded nights. She was insomniac. The loneliness kept her awake all night. The pain in her heart drove sleep far from her. When eventually her eyes got tired of their protest and gave way to nature, she didn't want to wake the next morning, just to face the same cycle. She became deeply depressed. Thoughts of life hereafter became more comforting than thinking of her existence on earth. She kept hoping the moment she shut her eyes would be the last time she did. But, no. She would still wake up the next day.
This morning, she was weak. She could not lift her hands. She slowly opened her eyes and sighed. To her, ten minutes felt like ten hours. She fast forwarded the day to the end and the in-between was nothing she looked forward to at all. This morning was one of those morning he required a full tabled breakfast. She didn't have the strength. She could not even hold her toothbrush. She gave in and sank back into the mattress. About an hour later, he came into the bedroom, look at her lying there, with an awful disgusted look on his face. He announced he was going to get something to eat. She didn't respond. She didn't have any words.
She blinked off that picture. Even now, her tummy growled, thinking about that day. But why would she think about it right now? Guy was here. All was right again with the world. She should not be entertaining such thoughts. She remembered the staff club had a live band on the weekends. She put on her seat belt, smiled at Guy and backed out of the hotel parking lot.
The club was a very sane place. The band was already playing when they got there. She danced her way around the tables, settling for one close to the pool. She liked the view of the pool that night. The changing lights in it created an ambience she feel in instant love with. She would have dived in, to feel the embrace of those lights around her. But her agenda this night had nothing to do with the water. Her feet were itching for their dance. They barely settled at the table that she started to sway on her seat. Guy looked at her and smiled. She saw his smile was not the free, happy smile he usually gave her. Her earlier countenance had affected him. She needed him to come on this new plane with her.
"Why so serious?" She asked him.
"Why did you change your mind?" He asked in return.
"I did?"
"Didn't you?"
She laughed from within her belly. She threw her head back and breathed in the air. It carried on it the smell of barbecue chicken and the chlorine water of the pool. Somehow, those two smells blended together very well. She had let her hair down in the car. The gentle breeze now gently blew it in her face.
"Guy, you live once. I've spent too much time bemoaning life. I've wasted too much time in the doldrums of bitterness and pain. It's time to live again." She said that with a smile, her dimpled smile, as she poked Guy in the ribs. "Come on, let's dance". She pulled him to his feet and led him to the dance floor, where she lost all the burdens of the past.
Her inner alarm made an attempt at blaring. She stomped the life out of it.
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