Musing; Queen's Land
He said they were going on honeymoon to London! She was excited! Her first time out of the country was with the love of her life, with the one her heart desired and belonged to. She could hardly wait. She sped through the preparations as she envisioned the time they would spend together in the Queen’s land. She went on Google and asked it for places worth seeing in London. She took notes and planned to see every one of them. That was a tall order, she knew, but there was no harm in dreaming. Was there?
They got to London in winter. She loved it. She would later wish it was summer. He said she would get warm clothing when they got there. She travelled light.
“Just landed”. The ping tone brought her out of her reverie. The thought of Guy coming to her town had taken her back to another travel, four years prior. A travel she wished she hadn’t undertaken. She read the message again and got all shaky and panicky. Guy was the huggy type. He would hug her, she was certain of that. Would she be able to resist him?
“Send me your address madam”. The second one was delivered. She knew Guy would know she had read the first message, bbm always gave away its users. He would see she had read this too. Her fingers trembled as she attempted typing.
“You’re welcome to our city”, she managed to type. “Where are you staying? I’ll pick you up. Neater that way. I don’t want you to get lost trying to locate me.” She wanted to control how she saw him, wanted to prepare herself. Going to him would give her time, she could pace herself. If he came to her, she wouldn’t be able to achieve that.
She heard his signature bang of the door and jumped in her chair. She had become accustomed to him doing that, but with the emotions running riot in her heart, she felt she had been busted.
“Welcome”, she greeted. He grunted an answer. That had become their mode of cordiality.
“Are you ready to eat?” He looked at the wall clock, “by 7pm”, he replied. She did not bother saying anything. She already knew he would say that, but she just had to ask, for formality sake. He turned and walked away. She looked at his retreating figure and asked herself for the thousandth time how she came to be in the position she was in.
They had made plans together. He could not hear her voice enough, back then. He was always calling her, “just to hear your voice”. A tear dropped from her eye, she quickly caught it before it could escape down her cheek. How would she explain her tears to him if he suddenly came back? She knew he would be disgusted. Who said the tears of the woman he loves breaks the heart of a man? This one had a heart made from brass, she was sure. Why was she suddenly so soft? She had learnt to be emotionless and expressionless with him. She could only blame Guy. It was him! He had opened a can in her head. He had undammed her well-hidden and protected emotions. The drops were having a competition running down her cheeks. She could not stop them. She gave up.
She was shivering. She was lost. How could she be lost in a strange land? How? This is not how it was meant to be. This was not what she envisioned. She had thought she would walk hand-in-hand with him down these streets, not huddled over, shivering, alone, freezing and frustrated. She didn’t know if it was the frosty wind blowing in her face or the shock of what she was experiencing that brought tears to her eyes. Was she crying? Were her eyes just wet? She could not tell. She could not really look up, she needed to keep her face down as much as she could to protect it from the harsh gust.
She looked up briefly, scanning the area around her, as far as she could see, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Hoping he had noticed she was not with him. Hoping he had come back for her. Hoping to feel his embrace to warm her up. She heard two voices behind her. They were masculine. They asked if she was lost. She shook her head. They asked why she was out, not properly dressed. Now, she was crying. She was sure of it this time. She wished they had not shown concern. She was glad they did. It meant she was not invisible after all. She wanted to be invisible. They walked away from her, confused, mumbling their sympathies. She wanted to grab at their coats. She wanted to snuggle between them and feel warm.
She heard another voice. An angry voice. Without turning, she knew it was him. He seemed not to see her well. If he did, he wouldn’t be shouting. That’s what she thought. He blamed her. He shouted at her. People turned and looked at her. He blamed her for making them miss their bus. He blamed her for keeping him waiting in the cold. He blamed her for being so slow. He kept blaming her. She was not listening. She kept walking. She just kept walking. She could not stop walking. She felt if she stopped, she would become a monument. He caught up to her, still blaming her. He walked ahead of her. She ran to catch up with him.
She needed to be warm.
They got to London in winter. She loved it. She would later wish it was summer. He said she would get warm clothing when they got there. She travelled light.
“Just landed”. The ping tone brought her out of her reverie. The thought of Guy coming to her town had taken her back to another travel, four years prior. A travel she wished she hadn’t undertaken. She read the message again and got all shaky and panicky. Guy was the huggy type. He would hug her, she was certain of that. Would she be able to resist him?
“Send me your address madam”. The second one was delivered. She knew Guy would know she had read the first message, bbm always gave away its users. He would see she had read this too. Her fingers trembled as she attempted typing.
“You’re welcome to our city”, she managed to type. “Where are you staying? I’ll pick you up. Neater that way. I don’t want you to get lost trying to locate me.” She wanted to control how she saw him, wanted to prepare herself. Going to him would give her time, she could pace herself. If he came to her, she wouldn’t be able to achieve that.
She heard his signature bang of the door and jumped in her chair. She had become accustomed to him doing that, but with the emotions running riot in her heart, she felt she had been busted.
“Welcome”, she greeted. He grunted an answer. That had become their mode of cordiality.
“Are you ready to eat?” He looked at the wall clock, “by 7pm”, he replied. She did not bother saying anything. She already knew he would say that, but she just had to ask, for formality sake. He turned and walked away. She looked at his retreating figure and asked herself for the thousandth time how she came to be in the position she was in.
They had made plans together. He could not hear her voice enough, back then. He was always calling her, “just to hear your voice”. A tear dropped from her eye, she quickly caught it before it could escape down her cheek. How would she explain her tears to him if he suddenly came back? She knew he would be disgusted. Who said the tears of the woman he loves breaks the heart of a man? This one had a heart made from brass, she was sure. Why was she suddenly so soft? She had learnt to be emotionless and expressionless with him. She could only blame Guy. It was him! He had opened a can in her head. He had undammed her well-hidden and protected emotions. The drops were having a competition running down her cheeks. She could not stop them. She gave up.
She was shivering. She was lost. How could she be lost in a strange land? How? This is not how it was meant to be. This was not what she envisioned. She had thought she would walk hand-in-hand with him down these streets, not huddled over, shivering, alone, freezing and frustrated. She didn’t know if it was the frosty wind blowing in her face or the shock of what she was experiencing that brought tears to her eyes. Was she crying? Were her eyes just wet? She could not tell. She could not really look up, she needed to keep her face down as much as she could to protect it from the harsh gust.
She looked up briefly, scanning the area around her, as far as she could see, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Hoping he had noticed she was not with him. Hoping he had come back for her. Hoping to feel his embrace to warm her up. She heard two voices behind her. They were masculine. They asked if she was lost. She shook her head. They asked why she was out, not properly dressed. Now, she was crying. She was sure of it this time. She wished they had not shown concern. She was glad they did. It meant she was not invisible after all. She wanted to be invisible. They walked away from her, confused, mumbling their sympathies. She wanted to grab at their coats. She wanted to snuggle between them and feel warm.
She heard another voice. An angry voice. Without turning, she knew it was him. He seemed not to see her well. If he did, he wouldn’t be shouting. That’s what she thought. He blamed her. He shouted at her. People turned and looked at her. He blamed her for making them miss their bus. He blamed her for keeping him waiting in the cold. He blamed her for being so slow. He kept blaming her. She was not listening. She kept walking. She just kept walking. She could not stop walking. She felt if she stopped, she would become a monument. He caught up to her, still blaming her. He walked ahead of her. She ran to catch up with him.
She needed to be warm.
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