Abby Speaks; Guilt Trap
I knew as a committed Christian that the marriage bed must be undefiled. That you must not have sexual relation with your partner until after the wedding ceremony. So throughout the three years courtship with my Ex, I was on guard to make sure we do not cross the line. We had our first kiss in the second year of the courtship. It was my very first kiss (apart from a peck on the lips from a friend on my seventeenth (17th) birthday.
It was an intense experience, with all the repressed hormones of a twenty-six (26) year old woman. It was like eating the forbidden fruit, we did not stop till we got married. I did not really feel guilty about the kissing. It was when we started going beyond that to touching each other's private parts that the guilt started. But I kept justifying our actions on the ground that we were not committing a sin as long as we do not go all the way. One day I told my Ex that I was a virgin. He was surprised and happy. He told me he was a virgin too.
Overtime, our kissing became more often and intense. On two occasions, few months to our wedding day, we nearly went all the way. That frightened me and we stopped touching and reduced drastically our kissing exercise. We encouraged ourselves with the fact that our wedding day was close by. After the wedding when everything started going wrong and we are faced with problems all round, I was confused. It was as if the man I courted and the one I married were two different individuals.
The cordial, respectful relationship we had just vanished, replaced by a cold, distant and strange attitude. It got to a point where I got tired of the unexplainable problems and I informed him that it is either we go on a retreat to seek God's help or I was leaving the marriage. He initially refused but later reluctantly agreed when he saw that I was serious about it.
We went to a Prayer Mountain (Ori-Oke) in Osun State. We were there for a week. It was there that my Ex told me about the other women in his life, both before and during the marriage. I was shocked since he told me he was a virgin when we were courting. When I confronted him about the lie, he painstakingly made me realise that I caused the loss of his virginity. That it was our kissing and touching adventure during our courtship period that made him lose control, and since he knows my stand on sex before marriage, he had to go get it somewhere else.
I fell on my knees and wept bitterly before the Lord. I have with my hands brought disaster on myself and another person. I have with impatience spoil the good intention of a virgin man and turned him into a chronic womanizer. Why did I allow him to kiss me? Why did I allow the touching? I have waited for so long already, what difference will a few more years make? Why did I enjoy it so much? I should have known better. It is now time to pay for my sin.
I was a role model when I did all these. A youth leader both in my fellowship at home and in school. I must suffer for my deeds. And maybe the abuse I'm facing in my marriage was God's way of punishing me. We asked God for forgiveness and returned home.
But the guilt never left me. It kept eating into me. And my Ex helped fan the fire by telling me I was the cause of everything that is wrong in his life and our marriage. It was the kissing and touching we did during courtship that has turned him into an irresponsible and weak person. He never missed an opportunity to remind me of my failings and made sure I bore the responsibility of both our mistake. It was like showing a passport with visa to an immigration officer at the airport. I always accepted whatever wrong he commits once he reminds me of this fact.
This guilt trap went on for years, until God delivered me from it, when I realised that every man is responsible for his/her actions. That you can never make a person do what he doesn't want to do. That guilt is a weapon used by weak abusive people to cover their personal failings and hold others hostage by exploiting their past mistake. I learned that to be free from such bondage, all I have to do is to take responsibility for my own mistakes and actions. Forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Make peace with anyone I have wronged (if any) and refuse to take responsibility for another person's deeds.
So I sincerely asked God to forgive me and I accepted His forgiveness. Then I realised that I was angry with myself, so I started the process of forgiving myself and walking in love with myself. Then I asked my Ex to forgive me. I told him that we should put the past behind us and start afresh. He agreed but refused to change his ways. When I made peace with myself and my God, and my Ex, the guilt I carried for years lost its hold over me. And it was after I let go of this guilt and my Ex discovered he could no longer use it against me, that the truth came out. The truth that I wasn't the cause of his weakness for women. That he was not a virgin as at the time we started courting and so many more. It had all been a lie. I had allowed myself to be tormented with guilt by the lies of another person.
What is it that is being used to hold you in guilt? What error, mistake or intentional deed is being used to hold you in bondage? What is it in your past that makes you justify the abuse you're being subjected to? Abusers use the excuse of our guilty acts to inflict their abuse. And until you know that no matter how bad or guilty you are, you do not deserve being abused, you'll always be a victim of their wickedness. We are human. We all have done things we are not proud of at one time or the other. Make peace with God and yourself on those things, then move on. No matter how grievous your offence is, you will be forgiven by God once you ask for His forgiveness. No man has the right to condemn you for their judgement is null and void.
Take back the power you have given your abuser and say No to abuse.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and
alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
It was an intense experience, with all the repressed hormones of a twenty-six (26) year old woman. It was like eating the forbidden fruit, we did not stop till we got married. I did not really feel guilty about the kissing. It was when we started going beyond that to touching each other's private parts that the guilt started. But I kept justifying our actions on the ground that we were not committing a sin as long as we do not go all the way. One day I told my Ex that I was a virgin. He was surprised and happy. He told me he was a virgin too.
Overtime, our kissing became more often and intense. On two occasions, few months to our wedding day, we nearly went all the way. That frightened me and we stopped touching and reduced drastically our kissing exercise. We encouraged ourselves with the fact that our wedding day was close by. After the wedding when everything started going wrong and we are faced with problems all round, I was confused. It was as if the man I courted and the one I married were two different individuals.
The cordial, respectful relationship we had just vanished, replaced by a cold, distant and strange attitude. It got to a point where I got tired of the unexplainable problems and I informed him that it is either we go on a retreat to seek God's help or I was leaving the marriage. He initially refused but later reluctantly agreed when he saw that I was serious about it.
We went to a Prayer Mountain (Ori-Oke) in Osun State. We were there for a week. It was there that my Ex told me about the other women in his life, both before and during the marriage. I was shocked since he told me he was a virgin when we were courting. When I confronted him about the lie, he painstakingly made me realise that I caused the loss of his virginity. That it was our kissing and touching adventure during our courtship period that made him lose control, and since he knows my stand on sex before marriage, he had to go get it somewhere else.
I fell on my knees and wept bitterly before the Lord. I have with my hands brought disaster on myself and another person. I have with impatience spoil the good intention of a virgin man and turned him into a chronic womanizer. Why did I allow him to kiss me? Why did I allow the touching? I have waited for so long already, what difference will a few more years make? Why did I enjoy it so much? I should have known better. It is now time to pay for my sin.
I was a role model when I did all these. A youth leader both in my fellowship at home and in school. I must suffer for my deeds. And maybe the abuse I'm facing in my marriage was God's way of punishing me. We asked God for forgiveness and returned home.
But the guilt never left me. It kept eating into me. And my Ex helped fan the fire by telling me I was the cause of everything that is wrong in his life and our marriage. It was the kissing and touching we did during courtship that has turned him into an irresponsible and weak person. He never missed an opportunity to remind me of my failings and made sure I bore the responsibility of both our mistake. It was like showing a passport with visa to an immigration officer at the airport. I always accepted whatever wrong he commits once he reminds me of this fact.
This guilt trap went on for years, until God delivered me from it, when I realised that every man is responsible for his/her actions. That you can never make a person do what he doesn't want to do. That guilt is a weapon used by weak abusive people to cover their personal failings and hold others hostage by exploiting their past mistake. I learned that to be free from such bondage, all I have to do is to take responsibility for my own mistakes and actions. Forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. Make peace with anyone I have wronged (if any) and refuse to take responsibility for another person's deeds.
So I sincerely asked God to forgive me and I accepted His forgiveness. Then I realised that I was angry with myself, so I started the process of forgiving myself and walking in love with myself. Then I asked my Ex to forgive me. I told him that we should put the past behind us and start afresh. He agreed but refused to change his ways. When I made peace with myself and my God, and my Ex, the guilt I carried for years lost its hold over me. And it was after I let go of this guilt and my Ex discovered he could no longer use it against me, that the truth came out. The truth that I wasn't the cause of his weakness for women. That he was not a virgin as at the time we started courting and so many more. It had all been a lie. I had allowed myself to be tormented with guilt by the lies of another person.
What is it that is being used to hold you in guilt? What error, mistake or intentional deed is being used to hold you in bondage? What is it in your past that makes you justify the abuse you're being subjected to? Abusers use the excuse of our guilty acts to inflict their abuse. And until you know that no matter how bad or guilty you are, you do not deserve being abused, you'll always be a victim of their wickedness. We are human. We all have done things we are not proud of at one time or the other. Make peace with God and yourself on those things, then move on. No matter how grievous your offence is, you will be forgiven by God once you ask for His forgiveness. No man has the right to condemn you for their judgement is null and void.
Take back the power you have given your abuser and say No to abuse.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
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