Abby Speaks; Marriage Is Not Do Or Die
When eventually I was able to face the truth that the man I was married to was the exact opposite of the kind of man I wanted in my life, I was devastated.
As a born again Christian who is truly committed to the word of God, I thought divorce was not an option for me. Yet, every day was a living hell. I was always ashamed of meeting neighbors and friends that knew and saw the shameful ordeal I faced daily. I was constantly in fear and anxiety, trembling anytime there was a knock on the door. Every day was like a horror film I failed to wake up from. The moment I thought to myself that things could not get worse than they were, something utterly terrible happened to prove me wrong.
I became an object of ridicule among friends and neighbors. Everything seemed dark and hopeless. The more submissive and enduring I became, the harsher and more wicked my abuser got, till I became dead to happiness. Then my survival instinct kicked in, I stopped expecting or expressing love. I became a walking zombie, functioning but not alive. It was too painful to be. Especially damaging was the knowledge that my sorrow and anguish were being caused by the very person that was supposed to be protecting me from such. I was going through negative experiences that would have been avoidable had there been a little consideration for my well being by my partner.
Gradually I lost all respect for him. Then I developed a strong dislike for him. With time, the dislike turned into hatred and finally I found out I was indifferent to whatever he did. I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted the pain and shame to stop. I just wanted him out of my life. I wanted my life back. I felt I had been living the life that belonged to someone else.
I couldn't cope any longer. I felt dead inside, I knew I was dying for real. If I couldn't divorce this man, I must kill myself.
I thought of how to get the deed done. I was short on ideas since it wasn't something I ever thought I'll need to know.
Before I could decide on how to take my own life, It suddenly occurred to me that I was planning the death of the wrong person. Why should I be the one to die? I was not the one causing the problems. I was the victim. It is the soul that sins that should die. So I started wishing for the death of my ex. I actually thought of ways I could kill him myself. At least if one of us died, that would put an end to the hell we were calling "marriage". I was in this process, thoroughly enjoying the thought of eventual freedom when the gravity of what I was doing dawned on me. I was planning to kill another human being. Such were the thoughts that were appealing to my abused mind.
I sat shocked for hours in the dark. Completely shocked to my marrow. If anyone had told me that I'll ever wish for the death of a person, talk less of actively thinking of doing the deed myself, I would have rebuked such talk. What had turned me into a monster? How did I get to this point? Is this what anguish, despair, abuse and hopelessness did to a person? I felt like a trapped animal about to be slaughtered, willing to do anything to escape. I broke down in tears. I wept for hours, mourning the girl that I was, the girl that I had become and the girl I will be if changes were not effected. I asked God for forgiveness and help and He heard me.
There are lots of victims of abuse that stay in their abusive relationships/marriages with a heart full of murder and revenge. They live for the day their abuser will meet his/her water loo. There are lots of good people turning bad because of the inhuman emotional pain and trauma they are subjected to by their partners. There are lots of people dying unnecessarily daily because of our failure to act as a people to address the issue of abuse in marriages and relationships in the society.
The helplessness felt by the victim makes him/her act like a caged animal seeking for a way of escape. While the helplessness of the victim makes the abuser think he/she can get away with anything. Every day, spouses kill their partners in marriage. Sometimes by accident, sometimes after careful thought and planning. I find this to be a very unfortunate thing. Our society puts people in a position of deciding to be a murderer so as to save themselves from a hellish life. A tragedy that we can prevent if we break the code of silence on abuse, stop giving perpetrators our silent approval and we arise as one to fight this menace in our society by de-stigmatizing abuse and divorce.
I am not saying separation or divorce is the only solution to abuse. Those are last resort solutions. But ignoring domestic abuse is not going to solve the problem either, doing that will only escalate and worsen the problem. We can't be sweeping problems under the carpet of our relationships and expect all to be well by magic. It doesn't work that way. Problems left unattended will only become bigger and more difficult to solve, until it destroys everything good.
For any relationship to work, the two parties involved must be willing to make it work. The problems in a relationship can be solved only by the two people in it. And if one party or the two parties are not willing to work on the problems in the relationship, it is better for the relationship to be dissolved and the parties go their separate ways. It's better than murder. It's better than the senseless destruction of lives.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and
alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
As a born again Christian who is truly committed to the word of God, I thought divorce was not an option for me. Yet, every day was a living hell. I was always ashamed of meeting neighbors and friends that knew and saw the shameful ordeal I faced daily. I was constantly in fear and anxiety, trembling anytime there was a knock on the door. Every day was like a horror film I failed to wake up from. The moment I thought to myself that things could not get worse than they were, something utterly terrible happened to prove me wrong.
I became an object of ridicule among friends and neighbors. Everything seemed dark and hopeless. The more submissive and enduring I became, the harsher and more wicked my abuser got, till I became dead to happiness. Then my survival instinct kicked in, I stopped expecting or expressing love. I became a walking zombie, functioning but not alive. It was too painful to be. Especially damaging was the knowledge that my sorrow and anguish were being caused by the very person that was supposed to be protecting me from such. I was going through negative experiences that would have been avoidable had there been a little consideration for my well being by my partner.
Gradually I lost all respect for him. Then I developed a strong dislike for him. With time, the dislike turned into hatred and finally I found out I was indifferent to whatever he did. I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted the pain and shame to stop. I just wanted him out of my life. I wanted my life back. I felt I had been living the life that belonged to someone else.
I couldn't cope any longer. I felt dead inside, I knew I was dying for real. If I couldn't divorce this man, I must kill myself.
I thought of how to get the deed done. I was short on ideas since it wasn't something I ever thought I'll need to know.
Before I could decide on how to take my own life, It suddenly occurred to me that I was planning the death of the wrong person. Why should I be the one to die? I was not the one causing the problems. I was the victim. It is the soul that sins that should die. So I started wishing for the death of my ex. I actually thought of ways I could kill him myself. At least if one of us died, that would put an end to the hell we were calling "marriage". I was in this process, thoroughly enjoying the thought of eventual freedom when the gravity of what I was doing dawned on me. I was planning to kill another human being. Such were the thoughts that were appealing to my abused mind.
I sat shocked for hours in the dark. Completely shocked to my marrow. If anyone had told me that I'll ever wish for the death of a person, talk less of actively thinking of doing the deed myself, I would have rebuked such talk. What had turned me into a monster? How did I get to this point? Is this what anguish, despair, abuse and hopelessness did to a person? I felt like a trapped animal about to be slaughtered, willing to do anything to escape. I broke down in tears. I wept for hours, mourning the girl that I was, the girl that I had become and the girl I will be if changes were not effected. I asked God for forgiveness and help and He heard me.
There are lots of victims of abuse that stay in their abusive relationships/marriages with a heart full of murder and revenge. They live for the day their abuser will meet his/her water loo. There are lots of good people turning bad because of the inhuman emotional pain and trauma they are subjected to by their partners. There are lots of people dying unnecessarily daily because of our failure to act as a people to address the issue of abuse in marriages and relationships in the society.
The helplessness felt by the victim makes him/her act like a caged animal seeking for a way of escape. While the helplessness of the victim makes the abuser think he/she can get away with anything. Every day, spouses kill their partners in marriage. Sometimes by accident, sometimes after careful thought and planning. I find this to be a very unfortunate thing. Our society puts people in a position of deciding to be a murderer so as to save themselves from a hellish life. A tragedy that we can prevent if we break the code of silence on abuse, stop giving perpetrators our silent approval and we arise as one to fight this menace in our society by de-stigmatizing abuse and divorce.
I am not saying separation or divorce is the only solution to abuse. Those are last resort solutions. But ignoring domestic abuse is not going to solve the problem either, doing that will only escalate and worsen the problem. We can't be sweeping problems under the carpet of our relationships and expect all to be well by magic. It doesn't work that way. Problems left unattended will only become bigger and more difficult to solve, until it destroys everything good.
For any relationship to work, the two parties involved must be willing to make it work. The problems in a relationship can be solved only by the two people in it. And if one party or the two parties are not willing to work on the problems in the relationship, it is better for the relationship to be dissolved and the parties go their separate ways. It's better than murder. It's better than the senseless destruction of lives.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
Abiade Olawanle Abiola is a Lawyer with an interest in women’s rights, children’s rights, sexual and gender-based violence and alternative dispute resolution. She has a high degree of professionalism, dedicated to exceptional quality and also an effective team player with outstanding communication and interpersonal skills. She is a member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria, Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA), The Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Nigeria Branch, member of the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA), Oyo State branch and, a member, and the Social Secretary of the Federacion International De Abogadas (FIDA ) known as the International Federation Of Women Lawyers, Oyo State branch. She is the president of Human of Substance Empowerment Initiative.
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